Manspeak

‘That looks great!’ = Pick a dress, I want to leave this store immediately.

Men are a pretty simple species.

It takes very little to keep one happy (read: food + sex). But reading them can be difficult at times, particularly given their lack of ability to display any hint of faint emotion beyond the realms of tiredness or horniness. For that reason, it can be handy to have a bit of a manspeak guide book to refer to in times his words are questionable.

And on that note, here are 23 of the most common manspeak phrases and translations. The guys of this world did their darndest to prevent us from unleashing this Pandora’s box of previously sacred man secrets, but for the good of all womankind, we had a duty to reveal the truth. So here you are. You’re welcome.

1. ‘I’m hungry’

Translation: These chips are only going to tie me over for so long. How’s about making a fellow a meal?

2. ‘Do you want to go to a movie?’

Translation: I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

3. ‘Nice dress’

Translation: Nice boobs.

4. ‘I’m bored’

Translation: This is as good a time as any to have sex.

5. ‘I love you’

Translation: I want sex. Now.

6. ‘It looks good’

Translation: You’ve tried on five pairs of pants and they all look the same to me. Please stop asking what I think. I just want to leave this store as soon as humanly possible.

7. ‘What did you get?’

Translation: How much did that thing cost?!

8. ‘What time will you be back?’

Translation: How long do I have to sit on my ass playing Xbox and eating chips off my lap before I need to make it look like I’m doing something productive with my day? Two hours? Three? A whole day?

9. ‘What do you think?’

Translation: I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. I just want some quiet time alone with Angry Birds, but you’re always saying I don’t talk and stuff so this is me trying to make it look like I do.

10. ‘Of course I’m listening’

Translation: I just got up to level 22 of Angry Birds! Score!

11. ‘Uh-huh. Sure, babe’

Translation: *Conditioned response* I am in no way listening. Please don’t ask any questions that require a more detailed response or I’m screwed.

12. ‘It’s too difficult to explain to you’

Translation: I have absolutely no idea how this thing works.

13. ‘Take a break gorgeous, you’re working too hard’

Translation: I can’t hear the game over your vacuum cleaning.

14. ‘You look amazing’

Translation: Please, for the love of God, don’t try on one more outfit. I don’t care what your dress looks like with your shoes. I just want to leave before one of us dies of starvation.

15. ‘I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses’

Translation: The girl selling them on the street was hot.

16. ‘What are you talking about? I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are’

Translation: No one will ever see us alive again.

17. ‘That’s interesting dear’

Translation: Are you still talking? I drifted off.

18. ‘Of course I looked everywhere. I just can’t find it.’

Translation: It didn’t drop out of the sky into my outstretched hands so that’s me pretty much done.

19. ‘You know I’ll always love you’

Translation: If I’ve put up with your nagging for this long, I can handle anything.

20. ‘I was listening, it’s just that I have a lot on my mind right now, okay’

Translation: I was wondering what it’d be like to have Wolverine hands.

21. ‘Oh yeah, your hair looks great!’

Translation: I literally had no idea you even cut it until you just now announced it.

22. ‘Wow, you’re right. The blue one does look better. You should definitely get that one’

Translation: Pick a freakin’ dress so we can get out of here!

23. ‘I wouldn’t trade our life together for anything’

Translation: Sometimes I think about how nice it’d be to go back to being able to live in my own filth, have no responsibilities and sit around scratching my balls all day, but then I remember how good you are at giving head and making those meatballs I like, and somehow it all seems worth it.

Comment: Which of these sayings is your SO most guilty of using?

Images via tumblr.com and giphy.com