‘If only you’d relax, I could do my job…’

There are a ton of better things I can think of doing instead of getting a Brazilian wax. Reading a book, getting a fake tan, falling into hot lava, perhaps? Let’s face it, no one smiles at the thought of having boiling wax slathered on their nether regions and painfully ripped off by a complete stranger. But it’s a necessary evil of hair-free womanhood.

However, despite your concerns about how awkward it must be for your beautician to be that close to your vulva, or how odd your asymmetrical labia must look to her, you may be surprised to learn what’s actually going through her head when she’s making the journey down there has absolutely nothing to do with what your va-jay-jay looks like…

1. ‘If only you’d showered…’


Ask any beautician their greatest waxing pet peeve and they’ll readily tell you it’s failing to shower before your appointment. Imagine what your lady flower smells like after it’s been couped up in sweaty panties all day, then remove those panties and fill a room with that odour and you have some idea what your beautician is thinking. To get on her good side, always make sure to be clean and dry before a Brazilian wax. Moisturisers and body butters will be your BFF after getting waxed, but never beforehand. Feel free to use as many wet wipes to remove excess build-up before your appointment as you like. Your beautician won’t care if you use the whole box. Trust me.

2. ‘So you’re surfing the crimson wave…’


Periods are often painful and can cause us a lot of grief, so getting wax ripped off of any part of your body during that time is never an ideal choice. As a general rule, beauticians have the right to refuse this type of service if you’re on your period. Not just because your skin is more tender during your monthlies and therefore at much greater risk of tearing (yep, ouch.), but also because no one wants to see your tampon fly across the room after the string gets caught in the wax. It happens.

3. ‘This is going to be annoying…’


If you want to really annoy your beautician, show up with hair that’s way too long or short to wax. Not only will it cost her extra time individually tweezing tiny, ungrabbable hairs or trimming back your overgrowth, it also makes the entire process considerably more drawn out and painful for you. So to make the most of your wax, always ensure your hairs are roughly a quarter inch long (approximately three weeks between each wax).

4. ‘If only you’d relax, I could do my job…’


Okay, it can be a little daunting to feel zen when someone you don’t know is placing hot wax onto your unmentionables, but squirming about in anxiety is only going to make your beautician’s job all the more difficult. Simply sit back, take a breath, and engage in a little harmless banter, remembering that she’s done this a million times – if not more – and knows what she’s doing, so you’re in good hands.

5. ‘You just had sex…’


Think about it… sex involves fluids. Some of those fluids can be secreted from you afterwards, say when you’re reclining back on a treatment bed and spreading your legs for a wax. It’s not a pleasant situation for anyone involved if your therapist has to see you’ve had a little roll in the hay pre-visit. Not only are body fluids and secretions obvious, but you don’t want open follicles to create a cosy nest for bacteria, so leave the action for after your wax.

6. ‘I wonder what I’ll have for lunch today…’


It’s only natural to feel a bit self conscious, especially if it’s your first time getting waxed. But if you really think about it, not all women look the same down there and your beautician has seen so many different shapes, colours and sizes of vulva that the only thing she’s wondering when she’s holding your labia to one side is what she’ll order for lunch today.