Buyer beware…

Ah, l’amour. Call it love, call it infatuation, call it a tickling in your loins, it’s all under the same umbrella of catastrophically fabulous. We’ve all been in that wonderful phase when we feel we don’t need ownership of our hearts anymore, because someone else is keeping them for us (my God that’s cheesy).

However, although love is blind, we need to be careful of who we actually give our hearts to (that’s even cheesier). And for that reason, here are seven guys you must never, never, ever waste your heart on…

1. The married man

This is stating the bleeding obvious, hence his status at the top of the list. No matter how potently your lady parts tingle whenever you get a whiff of his cologne, or how fast your heart beats when he’s in the same room, he’s married. Get it? He. Is. Married. He’s bound by a legal contract committing himself to his wife for the rest of their lives. He signed papers and made vows and spent an excruciating amount of money on the wedding. Yes, we all know how high the divorce rate is nowadays, but do you really want to be even partially responsible for ruining the lives of two, three, five, sometimes more people?

Besides, plenty of married men would consider you a mistress, rather than a genuine prospect, which means there is no way he’s leaving his wife for you. You’re not going to get anything even remotely positive out of this situation, so go take a cold shower and chow down on some Ben & Jerry’s. At least they’ll always love you.

2. Your gay best friend

I know an awful lot of gay men; growing up in the theatre industry will do that. They are some of my most fantastically extraordinary friends. I can share things with them I couldn’t share with my girlfriends or straight male friends, I never feel inhibited in their presence, and when you get them going, there is nobody on God’s green earth who is funnier. So it stands to reason I’ve fallen head over heels in love with way too many of them, and I know a multitude of women who have been in the same situation.

But here’s the thing; being gay is not a choice. He’s never going to suddenly do a backflip for your womanly wiles, because it is simply not in his biochemistry. And that’s perfectly fine. Adore the company, treasure the friendship, but train yourself to stick to the reality of the situation. He doesn’t bat for your team now, and he never will.

3. The professional flirt

We’ve all fallen truly, madly, deeply for the insane charm and smooth sounds of a guy who has charisma that can’t be taught. This cat has all the moves, from the lines to the swagger. He’s as irresistible as chocolate during a bad case of PMS, and you marvel at how he always seems to know just the right thing to say.

But that’s just it. The reason this guy always has the words, and is as slick as the sidewalk on a rainy day is because he’s a professional flirt. Seriously, if flirting was a sport he would be an Olympic champion. I can guarantee everything he’s pulling with you, he’s pulling with probably 15 other girls. Get out before the jealousy bug bites you right in the bits.

4. The guy with the dubious sexual history

So we’ve all got a morbid curiosity when it comes to our partner’s sexual history. Even when we profess our lack of desire to know the ins and outs, we still wonder just how many sexual partners he’s had. More than us? Less? Threesomes? Polygamy? The questions are endless.

But in a loving relationship, cards like that can be put on the table without a fuss, right? If you’ve decided to have ‘that talk’, and you’re pouring your heart out, pay attention to how he responds. If he looks uncomfortable, won’t give you a straight answer as to how many people he’s slept with or he looks ready to jump out of his skin when you hint at words like ‘orgy’, ‘porn’, and ‘gonorrhea’, it might be time to reassess your options. Anyone with a sexual history as dubious as that could have been anywhere from Manhattan to the jungle. You just don’t know what you might catch…

5. The guy who’s only in it for a f*ck

Sex is good. Sex is great, in fact. We all enjoy it, we all want it, and if there is a universal language other than music, sex would be it. BUT, we’re women. Our biochemistry dictates that we feel a certain pesky emotional pull every single time we engage in the horizontal tango. It sucks, but it’s true. Yes, you can learn to ignore what is true emotion, and what’s simply raging hormones, but that doesn’t make you feel any less shitty about it.

Therefore, if you are seeing a guy who you know full well is only interested in shagging, either because he’s told you or because you instinctively know, you have two options. One; you can relish the valley of no commitments and continue the rigid mental discipline of separating coitus from the actual feels. Or two; you can acknowledge your biochemistry, admit you’re actually falling for this guy and it’s making you miserable, and go about the seemingly impossible business of breaking it off. The choice is yours.

6. The colleague who collects women like poker chips

There’s always one absurdly hot guy in every workplace. Like, nobody has any business being that attractive kinda hot. And he’s always super nice, and funny, and unbelievably popular with the ladies. So popular, in fact, that he’s rumpled through the silken sheets of most of them.

Introducing the office collector; a delightfully charming chap who is perfectly happy to sexually service as many women as will have him. There’s nothing wrong with this if he’s completely transparent about it and you’re prepared to share, but if you’re the jealous type and don’t want a broken heart and an awkward working environment, then steer well clear of this one.

7. The compulsive liar

Who is he? Where is he? What is he doing and why isn’t he answering your texts? If you’re dating a guy and he’s constantly changing his plans, lying about his whereabouts, and having the gall to cancel on you but tag himself somewhere else on Facebook (thank you, social media sleuthing), then he’s officially a compulsive liar.

If you’re with someone who’s telling constant half-truths about simple logistics, he’ll definitely lie to you about who else he’s sleeping with. You can either call him out on it to gauge his reaction, or (and this is what I would do) don’t bother. You do not deserve to be lied to constantly, your heart and soul are worth so much more than that (and that, my friends was the cheesiest line of all).

Comment: Have you dated, or do you have a friend who’s dating one of these guys?