7 Lessons I Learned From Meeting A Dominatrix

Mistress Natalie is just like any other woman. Except she has an impressive whip collection.

It’s not every day you get asked to write a story on being a dominatrix; so when my editor put it to me that I learn a thing or two about the job and ponder the potential life lessons those of us who aren’t paid to whip people into sexual submission could glean from spending a little time with one, I thought, ‘Why not?’. And so it was I stumbled upon Mistress Natalie.

Natalie is a professional dominatrix in New York City. She’s been in this line of work for more than 20 years and absolutely loves it. We got to chat while I hustled from SoHo to Chelsea and she headed to a session with a client in a cab. In our brief conversation, she taught me a thing or two (or seven…) about what life as a domme involves…

1. Sex is off the table

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Dominatrices, or dommes, are mistakenly lumped together with escorts. While there’s nothing wrong with either profession, it’s important to distinguish one big difference: a traditional domme does not have sex with clients. Some escorts may act out BDSM roles and some dommes may have sex with their clients, but those are outliers who tend to blur the lines.

2. There are limitations

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Many people in this line of work establish boundaries to let the client know what will and will not be accepted. Here’s an example of limitations listed on Mistress Natalie’s website:

‘I do not provide sexual services of any kind, intimate body worship, wrestling or boxing, Roman showers, brown showers, smoking, and switching or subbing’.

3. Sessions can help people

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The submissive, typically referred to as the sub, can request a myriad of forms of punishment. Sessions can be deeply emotional experiences; some can be pure entertainment, and some can be a non-conventional, cathartic release. For the latter, trust is built over time between the domme and the sub. The more trust that develops in the relationship, the more comfortable the sub gets, maximizing what they get out of each session.

4. Intimacy is more mental than physical

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The level of intimacy found between lovers is very different to the intimacy found between a domme and their sub. Subs often go to dommes to act out fantasies that they simply cannot do with their lovers, regardless of how close they are or what they’ve been through. Emotional and mental intimacy can be experienced in sessions, whereas physical intimacy is often experienced in lovers.

5. There isn’t just one type of love 

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Mistress Natalie isn’t only an expert on sex, she says she’s learnt just as much about love in her career as a domme and prescribes to the theory that, just like there are different levels of intimacy, there are many different levels of love: romantic love, the love between a parent and a child, love for siblings, love for friends and self-love. So, in Natalie’s view, when believing in the idea that we only have one true love, we could be selling ourselves short. As human beings, we’re able to love and be loved in different ways. Remember that scene from Sex And The City where Charlotte declares she and the girls are each others’ soulmates? Natalie’s theory goes along those lines.

6. Sexual arousal is used to assert dominance

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Sex doesn’t occur in a traditional domme session, but that doesn’t mean there’s no sexual arousal. The human body can tolerate more pain when it’s in an excited state, so dommes often take advantage of that state to heighten their sub’s experience. Knowing what causes sexual arousal gives the domme more control. She can use this to remind her sub who’s really in charge.

7. Dommes are regular women

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My convo with Mistress Natalie showed me that while certain aspects of her job may be drastically different to mine, others are surprisingly similar. She incorporates boundaries, she knows her limits, and she makes time for self-care. She’s also a life coach who incorporates her “kinky coaching” into some of her sessions. At the end of the day, she’s an average woman making a living, and having fun while doing so.

Images via mistressnatalie.com. You can follow Mistress Natalie on Instagram, at @mistressnatalienyc.

Comment: Does anything on this list surprise you?