Say hello to a whole new world of sexual boundaries.
Society has somewhat normalized a certain type of heterosexual relationship where a woman’s codependence on a man allows him to sleep around, so long as he comes home to her. The man’s behavior is often accepted because, sadly, a woman is sometimes still viewed as nothing more than a baby-making machine who’s lucky to be with the man she has; she accepts that he “needs” to sleep around because “boys will be boys”.
But the new sexual trend of ‘cuckolding’ – a relationship arrangement where the man allows his female partner to sleep with other men while remaining faithful exclusively to her – offers a twist on this ideology, challenging the aforementioned scenario.
Though it’s gained more mainstream popularity in recent years, cuckolding is an age-old practice; the first usage of the term appeared around 1250, in the satirical poem The Owl and the Nightingale. The word ‘cuckold’ derives from the cuckoo bird, who habitually lays its eggs in other nests; one can see the almost comical parallels as to how this sexual movement got its name. Male cuckolds not only encourage their partners (often referred to as a “hot wife” or “cuckoldress”) to engage in sex with other men, they experience intense sexual arousal from knowing their partner has multiple lovers, often requiring them to recount their physical affairs in graphic detail, film them, or even asking to sit in on them. Call it eroticized betrayal, if you will.
And before you jump to branding this lifestyle choice “crazy” or “weird”, I encourage you to take a step back and school yourself on the level of trust and communication required to make this type of relationship work successfully. It’s an intense bond that can spill over into other aspects of the relationship; but more on that later. Here’s a few things you should know about cuckolding before you judge. They may even spark your interest in trying the sexual lifestyle out for yourself…
1. It’s educational
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut and do the same positions over and over when you’re in a long-term relationship. The benefits of cuckolding can be along the same lines as watching porn with your partner; you both might learn something new. Except instead of watching a random woman acting out a scripted scene, the man can watch the woman he loves receive pleasure in real time. In turn, she can also try new positions that she can later experience with her partner, or if her partner watches, he may learn different ways to turn to her on, too.
2. It can be cathartic
“I think it’s because I always felt a lot of rejection from girls as a young man, and even as I got older. I worry that the women I have close relationships with might leave me for other men, so acting it out in a controlled environment actually makes me feel safe,” says one male cuckold.
While this may not be the healthiest approach to sexual exploration, and may even feed into one partner’s insecurities, it’s no less legitimate a way to address a man’s abandonment issues in a relationship. In this case, at least he’s self-aware of the issues and actually trying something.
3. It fosters non-judgment
Because cuckolding pushes the boundaries of a traditional sexual relationship, it encourages both partners to be a lot less closed off to trying new things in bed. Being open-minded in the sack can help you break out of judgement cycles; things you may think are ‘weird’ or ‘too kinky’ may be things you actually end up enjoying in practice. If you and your partner give it a shot, maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t. But can’t that be said about anything? If all else fails, at least you have a new experience under your belt (no pun intended) and may be a little less judgmental when you hear about a new uncharted sexual territory in future.
4. It can boost your confidence
“The fetish is almost always the man’s, not the woman’s. But that doesn’t mean cuckolding is all about him,” says Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them author, Dr David J. Ley.
“For couples who make this lifestyle work, the woman can also find excitement, fulfillment and stimulation from the sexual exploration of the taboo.”
Having a partner who lets you unabashedly be yourself can be nourishing. Someone who’s fulfilled sexually will often have confidence that shows up in all types of relationships, whether it’s work, friendships, family, or their relationship with themselves. Some guys like the fact that their ‘hot wife’ is desired by other men, and some women can find the fact that they’re desirable to other men extremely validating.
5. It lessens the possibility of sexual frustration
For those who embrace the practice of cuckolding fully, claiming your own sexuality and being comfortable enough in your own skin to actually explore new sexual boundaries can help not only strengthen your sex life, but foster your personal growth, too. Being in touch with who you are and what you want can also help you connect with the right partner, whereas repressing common, healthy sexual urges often results in infidelity, depression, substance abuse, and more. This doesn’t necessarily mean all sexual urges are healthy, but as long as both adults are consenting to a sexual act and nobody’s getting hurt (unless they want to), it’s perfectly okay to diverge into new sexual exploration.
As psychiatrist and sexologist, Dhananjay Gambhire puts it, “A person’s inability to express his or her sexual impulses in a healthy way leads to sexual absenteeism and is known as sexual repression.”
6. It can enhance your communication as a couple
Quality communication is required to have a successful relationship in general, but it’s particularly important for sexually progressive couples who engage in cuckolding. With proper communication, cuckolding couples can build a solid foundation for the trajectory of their relationship. And having these sometimes uncomfortable conversations about one another’s true desires often means less infidelity, because each person in the relationship feels heard and satisfied with their partner.
“Couples must learn to communicate their feelings to their partners rather than gratify themselves elsewhere through unsafe practices like having one night stands with strangers,” confirms sexologist, Dr Watsa.
7. It’s not restrictive
There’s several ways that cuckolding can happen. The man can ‘catch’ his wife or girlfriend having sex with another man, he can watch her encounters via Skype or FaceTime, or he can arrange the ‘date’ for his partner and sit at home visualizing what she’s doing, anxious to hear (or smell) the details upon her return. Sometimes he’ll even help his ‘hot wife’ get ready, pick out her outfit, and make sure she has condoms. It’s different for every couple, and is all about doing what arrangement works best for you.
8. It lets you take your fetish to the next level
”Many happy cuckolds are also voyeurs, and their wives or girlfriends might be exhibitionists,” explains The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure author, Dr Susan Block.
In essence, cuckolding is a great way for people who are already fetishists to take their fetish to another level. For example, exhibitionists who like to be watched are often turned on by having sex while their partner watches, while people who are already sexual voyeurs may like to be in the room while their partner sleeps with someone else, masturbating, or just being in their natural habitat.
9. It’s a form of healthy masochism
If you’re into the M part of S&M, otherwise known as masochism (taking pleasure in receiving pain), cuckolding can be a new way to experience pleasurable pain and humiliation. For some reason, society ‘needs’ men to be the dominant ones in hetero relationships, but in reality, that simply doesn’t apply all the time, and only puts more pressure on the couple. Many men actually prefer submissive roles, and that’s celebrated, rather than frowned upon, in cuckolding. For those men, cuckolding offers an erotic kind of humiliation.
But like most things, cuckolding isn’t for everyone. Stacey, a former cuckoldress, got burned out when she tried it with her partner.
“What began as fulfilling a fantasy quickly became an issue of control and resentment,” she says.
For couples interested in implementing this into their relationship, Stacey suggests easing into it with roleplay, watching porn together, or simply discussing fantasies first. Feelings like anger, fear, resentment, or jealousy may arise through those conversations before a couple advances into actual cuckolding, and dealing with those feelings first, on a smaller scale, can test the waters to see if both of you are ready.
Some relationships have been ruined by this practice. But then again, some marriages have also been ruined by one or both partners feeling oppressed sexually. Which, again, is why communication is incredibly important in all relationships, especially in those bold enough to try something like cuckolding.
Images via giphy.com and tumblr.com.
Comment: Have you ever, or would you ever consider trying cuckolding?