44125382

Ask Kathy B: He’s addicted to porn!

Question: Dear Kathy,
I wonder if you can help me. I am 51 years of age and have been married for 5 years. My last partner passed away 10 years ago. My husband now cannot go a day without watching porn. He watches it on net. He watches it when we have sex. He watches when I am not around. I am just wondering WHY? I know his dad used to sneak into his office at home and read, or look at porn. I think it was to get away after having altercations with his mum. My husband and I do not fight, only the occasional disagreement. Is porn something I am pushing him into?

Kathy B: Porn is everywhere these days but it sounds as though your life is being unexpectedly filled with it and you definitely aren?t happy. A survey Sex in Australia did in 2003 showed that roughly one in five men reported visiting an internet sex site the year before. However, that isn?t going to make you feel much better if your home has become a sex haven for you, your husband and his porn DVDs and your internet is constantly jammed up with X-rated sites. It is a good sign that you are still having sex, even though the porn is on in the background. This shows that your husband hasn?t completely cut himself off from reality and from his connection with you. However, if his insatiable appetite for porn is making you very uncomfortable and he?s spending more time looking at his favourite porn actress than you, then it seems like it is time for an intervention. It sounds like you have already been over-accommodating and if you are sick of the heavy breathing in your bedroom, coming from your hi-fi, not from the bed, then it is time to take action!

My gut feeling is that his porn addiction doesn?t have much to do with you but has a lot to do with your husband. Have you talked to him about it? Does he talk willingly with you about his obsession or does he fob you off saying ?everyone does it?? If that?s the case you need to clearly explain your feelings to him in an environment where he has no access to porn of any sort (try spending some time in a park or an intimate dinner at his favourite restaurant). Explain to him that you feel disconnected from him and feel like your relationship is losing its trust and intimacy. Like any obsessesion it sounds like he is getting an instant hit of pleasure, but he?ll never be satisfied, which is why the problem is only getting worse. He has to keep feeding his appetite for porn which, even if he says he?s happy as things are, is creating a big problem for you. If he uses porn as a crutch after arguments with you or his mother, it may have something to do with him not feeling like he can control his emotions or relationships in real life. After all women are always up for sex in porn movies and are a tad over-complimentary. Maybe that makes your guy feel like he?s the ?King of the World? ? as you know, it?s not always the way it is in real life! If you really aren?t happy then I suggest you call the APS Psychologist Referral Service who will be able to put you in contact with a local psychologist who will be able to help you (and your husband if he?s willing to talk about how his obsession is affecting you and your relationship). Email referral@psychology.org.au to ask for a referral or visit www.psychology.org.au for more information. Even if he?s not ready to face up to this issue I suggest that you seek professional help on how to deal with the situation.

Kathy Buchanan is the author of Happy Endings: the ultimate book and movie companion. It’s the entertainment guide for every possible situation you could face. Sometimes it?s hard to keep on smiling (and looking fabulous) because some days things just don?t seem to go a gal?s way. Any of these sound familiar?
? You?ve been dumped ? read High Fidelity.
? Your boss is making your life a living hell ? watch Working Girl.
? You?re suffering from unrequited love ? read Vanity Fair.
? You have absolutely nothing to wear! ? watch Clueless.
? You just can?t seem to find Mr Right ? read Pride and Prejudice.
? A ?friend? is out to ruin your life ? watch Mean Girls.
? Your family is driving you mad ? read All Families Are Psychotic.
? You need a long holiday somewhere glamorous but you?ve got no cash ? watch Lost in Translation.
Indulge yourself in some great stories and find true love, happiness and the perfect outfit. All this without even leaving your couch!
RRP $26.95 but only $24.26 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Other books by Kathy Buchanan
Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Quit for Chicks is a how to quit smoking support guide for women, with a foreword from supermodel Sarah O?Hare, Penguin, RRP $9.95 but only $8.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

If you want Kathy B to answer your relationship dilemmas, email feedback@shesaid.com with your question.