Ask Kathy B: He’s been hurt before and won’t commit
Question: Dear Kathy,
I have been seeing this guy for the past couple months. We are sexually active and he rings me pretty much every night. However there is no commitment. I have brought it up before and the reason he hasn?t committed is because he is afraid. This is mainly because his ex wife cheated on him a year into the marriage. Kathy is there any way I can prove to him I would never do that to him and he can trust me?
Kathy B: You need to give yourself a reality check. Why is this guy afraid of a ?commitment? but he?s not too scared to sleep with you and call you every night for support. It seems as though this guy is using you as a ?fXck buddy? but he either hasn?t told you or he has and you don?t want to admit it. This situation isn?t so much about you proving to him that you?d never cheat. The only way you can do that is by being a good person, supporting him and being honest with him ? which it sounds like you are already doing. If he?s in that tortured place where he?s truly not trusting anyone and he isn?t seeking help via a counsellor or isn?t taking any steps to heal his wounds then you could be the next one who is about to be badly burned.
If you?re giving him support and love and all you?re getting is booty calls while you?re providing him unerring support (and he?s not reciprocating) then I?m worried about how that will be affecting your self esteem. I cover these and more issues in my book Charm School but you should also check out He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (HarperCollins) by former Sex and the City script writers, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. If you want a serious relationship that will grow and develop as the years go by I get the feeling that you may not get it from this guy. It is time to put your cards on the table, not to put down an ultimatum, but to find out the truth. Can you handle this casual (and convenient for him) sexual liaison or do you really want a committed relationship? If you aren?t getting what you need from this relationship then it may be time to consider taking a break to give you some clarity about the situation. If he?s a nice guy who truly is screwed up about the past then now is the time for him to face his demons. Unfortunately he probably needs to deal with these on his own before he?ll be ready to truly give his heart to you.
Kathy Buchanan is the author of Happy Endings: the ultimate book and movie companion. It’s the entertainment guide for every possible situation you could face. Sometimes it?s hard to keep on smiling (and looking fabulous) because some days things just don?t seem to go a gal?s way. Any of these sound familiar?
? You?ve been dumped ? read High Fidelity.
? Your boss is making your life a living hell ? watch Working Girl.
? You?re suffering from unrequited love ? read Vanity Fair.
? You have absolutely nothing to wear! ? watch Clueless.
? You just can?t seem to find Mr Right ? read Pride and Prejudice.
? A ?friend? is out to ruin your life ? watch Mean Girls.
? Your family is driving you mad ? read All Families Are Psychotic.
? You need a long holiday somewhere glamorous but you?ve got no cash ? watch Lost in Translation.
Indulge yourself in some great stories and find true love, happiness and the perfect outfit. All this without even leaving your couch!
RRP $26.95 but only $24.26 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop
Other books by Kathy Buchanan.
Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop
Quit for Chicks is a how to quit smoking support guide for women, with a foreword from supermodel Sarah O?Hare, Penguin, RRP $9.95 but only $8.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop
If you want Kathy B to answer your relationship dilemmas, email email@example.com with your question.