Ask Kathy B: My boyfriend has no energy for sex

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Question: Dear Kathy B. I am 21 in a couple of days and I would like advice on my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. The only issues that we really have in our relationship is that he is always complaining about how tired he is. He doesn’t understand that eating once an evening (at work) is sufficient for the day. Then he goes home and he plays his PC for hours on end and eventually goes to sleep for about 3-6 hrs then gets up for work and goes. This happens every day, every week. It drives me nuts to hear him complain about being tired and unfit yet he has no inspiration to do something about it. I’m sure that he is embarrassed that sex for us lasts tops 5 minutes. Yet he doesn’t do anything about it. I don’t think that he understands that me pleasuring him isn’t fun when I think that he has fallen asleep. and I have told him that I need him to give me some signs that he is still awake and I am not wasting my time. But that lasted one time and now he has forgotten. I also don’t know how to tell him that I am not getting enough out of our sex life. I fantasise about having kinky sex with body chocolate and exploring each others fantasies but I don’t know how to bring it up when he is always telling me that he is tired. He likes to sleep for a couple of hours wake me up have a quicky then go back to sleep. Wow. Then i’m awake and can’t get back to sleep. I really love him. I believe that he loves me though he has never told me. And my fear at this moment is that he doesn’t need me and him being tired is just an excuse what do you think?

Kathy B: Did your boyfriend used to be happier, have more energy or more interest in sex or was he always like this? If he?s changed his behaviour recently then he may be suffering from depression. Roughly one in six men will suffer from depression in their lifetime and it is often a more complicated issue with men as they are less likely than women, to seek help. Some of the symptoms of depression are having low energy, change in appetite and loss of sex drive. I suggest you visit the Beyond Blue website at www.beyondblue.org.au to take a look at the ?depression check-list? to see if you think your boyfriend may be suffering. There is even a section on there which is about how you can tell if someone you love is depressed and ideas for what to do about it.

If you feel that he may not be seriously depressed but rather in a bad funk or has just developed some really bad habits then get hold of the entertaining DVD Super Size Me by documentary maker Morgan Spurlock who stopped exercising and began eating fast food for every meal for one month. The changes in his body, energy levels and sex drive was very, very scary. Sometimes seeing someone else lose it is just what you need to realise that it is time to make some major changes in your own life. If it turns out that he?s simply a selfish person who is only interested in his own pleasure and isn?t interested in making you happy (or experimenting with body chocolate!) then it might be time to acknowledge that the two of you aren?t a perfect match after all.

Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette, Happy Endings: The Ultimate Movie and Book Guide for Women and Quit for Chicks. Charm School offers fun but helpful advice on why manners are sexy and how to use them to create the life you?ve always dreamed of. It deals with difficult love, social and work situations like how to ace an interview, help a friend through a difficult break-up, keep your hairdresser faithful and how to not fall in love with gorgeous gay men. Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Happy Endings is the ultimate book and movie guide for every possible situation you could face ? it will become your well-thumbed companion through life?s ups and downs. RRP $26.95 but only $24.26 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Quit for Chicks is a how to quit smoking support guide for women, with a foreword from supermodel Sarah O?Hare, Penguin, RRP $9.95 but only $8.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop