What do women want in bed? Here’s what comedian Kathy Lette thinks in her new book “Men: A User’s Guide”.

“A woman wants a man who kisses her so long and so lusciously that when he finally pulls away, she has to check she still has her pants on. We don’t just want a kiss. We want a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation … We want kisses that require a lifeguard. We want a man who will drag us into his mouth, descale our teeth, tickle our tonsils and become intimately acquainted with both sets of molars before detaching himself from us with the sound of a squid being prised off glass. This could lead to full stomach-to-stomach resuscitation.

We want a man who says the words every woman fantasizes about one day hearing (along with “Scientists have discovered celery is fattening”): “Pleasing you is what gives me pleasure.”

Women want a man who can find our G-spot without a map, a compass and a list of edible berries.

If men were better in bed, women would want to spend more time there. Teach your man to find libidinous places where you didn’t even know you had places. Encourage him to be a carnal cartographer, mapping out your erogenous zones and then double parking in all of them.

What women want is a man so sexy he could open a deposit account at a sperm bank.

Women want to be made so high from orgasmic bliss that they can wave to the International Space Station.

But do you know what a woman really wants in bed?

What do you think? Is Kathy right?

From the Men: A User’s Guide by Kathy Lette
Copyright © Kathy Lette 2010
Reprinted by Permission of Random House Australia
All Rights Reserved
Bantam Press Hardback $24.95 available now from all bookshops

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