Hairy Hotdog, Lotion Dispenser? How did the name for ‘penis’ get so complicated?!

?Well, ya see, doc, it?s about my hairy hotdog.?

What IS it with men and their penis names? And what on earth are they for? Sure, it?s cute to come up with sweet little pet names for our private parts. This way we can refer to them with our lovers without being graphic. But can you imagine guys standing around at a barbecue discussing their ?Lotion Dispenser?, ?Master of Ceremonies? and ?Pink Pendulum??

?Uh, yeah Gazza, I know what you mean, the last sheila to play my Pocket Piccolo was a blonde, and geez, could she make it sing!?

?Unreal, mate. The last time the missus tried to whistle me Whacker, I fell asleep out of boredom!?

I don?t know if I could take a guy seriously if he offered to introduce me to his Throbbing Python of Love. If he told me to let the One Eyed Milkman in, I?d be keeping a vigil at the door at 4am to guide the poor handicapped Milko up the front steps.

I?ve written pieces before about pillow talk and how to steam up the bedroom with some choice words. But how erotic would it be if your lover whispered to you in the dark: ?Honeyyy, Big Dave and the Twins are ready for action, how ?bout it??

Oddly, it also seems to be men who come up with the oddest names for female genitalia. God bless the Internet for making it so easy to unearth about a million of these, and although it doesn?t credit any particular man with the creativity required for the task, I?m pretty sure a woman wouldn?t turn up for her gynaecology appointment and announce that her Grassy Knoll had turned into a Stench Trench!! What the…?

I?m at a loss to work out how the term ?Roast Beef Curtains? came about. And which guy with too much time (and possibly too much genitalia) on his hands invented ?Freddy The Freeloader??

Are we really too embarrassed to say?[place hands over eyes now]?penis and vagina? [Remove hands]. Sure, it may be clinical, and a shade boring, but this technicolour lingo is confusing.

It?s no wonder really, that we devise little pseudonyms for our privates. Our parents do it for us when we?re small, so we grow up adapting the names to suit our personalities, comfort levels and situations.

Alternative names for having sex are just as common and just as colourful. Do you like a good roll in the hay? Have you ever had birthday nookie? A quick shag? Some serious hanky panky?

And don?t get me started on choking the chicken, stretching the sausage, beating the meat and having a good old fashioned wanking session.

Ugh, when did sex become sooo complicated? Hmm, I guess around the same time that it became so fun!

Gina Luca

* Gina is a freelance writer whose passion for talking to people on the Internet provides much inspiration for her writing.