HeSaid SheSaid: He puts everyone above me!
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. We seem to argue a lot since the beginning of our relationship. Mainly because his friends and their girlfriends and wives refuse to speak with me. We love each other and both agree we wont a future together. For the past 2 months we have been arguing constantly. We have agreed to get some relationship counselling and had our first session which didn?t result in much. We were invited to a fancy dress party on Saturday night which was for charity and decided to accept the tickets and would decide closer to the date if we were to go or not. While we have been fighting, my boyfriend (without discussing with me) also invited his neighbour and his neighbour’s girlfriend, and arranged his costume. He offered me the ticket on Wednesday and on Thursday I looked for a costume however couldn?t find one that I was comfortable in as the theme was superheroes and I don?t have the figure for tight or short clothes. I called and said I can’t find a costume so I wasn?t going to go, he said ok can I give the ticket to someone else so it doesn?t go to waste. I said ok. Within an hour and half I called him back and said that I will go check out another place I found over the internet, he said that he had given the ticket to his neighbour’s sister. I asked him if he could explain the situation to her so I could go. He said he would think about it and the next day I got an sms message which said no he wouldn?t ask her as I said I didn?t want the ticket and he doesn?t want to risk upsetting his neighbour by looking like an Indian giver. I feel as though he is putting his neighbours feeling’s ahead of mine. I am really hurt by his decision, as I feel that he is always putting friends and family above me. I constantly get told that his friends and family will be his friends and family for the rest of his life but I may not be around that long so why should he risk upsetting his friends and family for me. I don?t know if I should continue with this relationship or just end it now. Am I being unfair to expect his to put me above at least his neighbour and friends???
HeSaid: If I was a mathematician I would ask – what is the common denominator here? Your boyfriend’s wives and girlfriends all refuse to speak with you. Either the world is populated by spiteful women or you should pipe down a bit. Having read your entire story I am leaning towards the latter.
If I was dating someone who treated a simple invite to a party into a complex algorithm, my high-maintenance radar would go into overdrive. I would not only give the ticket to my neighbour’s sister, I would sleep with her. Your boyfriend is a very tolerant man. Why would he put you above his friends when you drop a date with him over a minor wardrobe issue. You are lucky he doesn’t find a book repository and a sniper rifle.
You could attend his party as the stereotype for men who like to gender bash. I would have a go myself but I prefer a challenge. I hope this helps you obtain clarity.
SheSaid: I seriously have to ask you, do you really think this relationship is going to last?! Why on earth would you wish to stay in a relationship whereby you argue all the time and know that his friends obviously don?t like you if they refuse to speak with you. If you are so wound up about a costume party that you made clear you were not going to attend and then decided to go after the ticket was no longer available, I?m sure you are getting wound up about many other things in your relationship that perhaps are not actually valid to do so.
On the flip side of this, what does it tell you that your boyfriend didn?t get the ticket back? perhaps he actually didn?t want you to go otherwise he would have got that ticket back. While relationships need nurturing, they should also flow relatively easily if two people care deeply about each other, I certainly don?t believe a good relationship is one filled with arguing and resentment. My advice to you is to get out of this destructive relationship, if you don?t, you?ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness but yourself.
Got a question for our He Said She Said columnists? Email email@example.com with your problem.