Paying for sex, relationships, couples, marriage, men

I used to run a play group and it was incredible the conversations I overheard while the children played and their mums sipped coffee. One thing I vividly remember being mentioned was that many of these women would withhold sex as payment to their partners for good behaviour – this included chores and even material things that they wanted.

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I suspect a lot of women with long-term partners would be uncomfortable admitting this. However, it was quite astounding what these women would divulge to each other. Being home alone most of the day with their toddlers and children (all under the age of ten) it was clear that they didn’t get a lot of outside contact; so when they did get together, nothing was off limits!

Very interestingly, a decade later, I discovered the women who didn’t use sex to their advantage actually ended up getting divorced or separated. While their relationships had dissolved, the ladies who had used sex as a reward or tool had somehow managed to remain with their partners.

Being one of the divorced I was amazed at how this behaviour was the one which seemed to stand out as a determining factor in the longevity of long-term relationships. I assumed it would have been the other way around. Clearly, my mind boggled and I was a bit confused. Did the men realise what their partners were doing?

One thing I remember thinking at the time when overhearing these conversations was: “Isn’t this just a form of prostitution? Why would a women want to get paid for sex if she wasn’t in that industry?” I’m certain these women would have looked down on other women who were paid for sex, yet they happily went about their everyday lives in a similar fashion!

An Expert Opinion

Where did my Libido Go, written by Australian sex therapist Dr Rosie King, explains that women’s sexual desire is dependent upon dopamine and adrenalin, while men are reliant on Testosterone. In women, sexual desire can fizzle out anywhere between six to eighteen months into a new relationship, whereas men’s sexual desire remains more consistent.

The good doctor went on to recommend that women with a low libido should find some way to increase their willingness to have sex with long-term partners. This includes financial gain and getting other needs met. I’m sure Dr Rosie would have applauded these women who I overheard having sex to get lawns mowed, gutters cleaned, houses vacuumed, kids looked after and even home renovations completed!

Dr Rosie believes this is far more effective in maintaining a long-term relationship than having “mercy sex” – this is when women put out to shut their partners up and keep them from having sex elsewhere.  She went on to say that this doesn’t give anything back to the women who would rather not have sex. It’s simply another chore to put on their “to-do” list, along with the shopping, cooking, working and caring for kids.

I’m not sure I agree with Dr Rosie or the women at the playgroup. What the hell’s happened to having sex with your long-term partner because you love them and want to have sex with them? I understand that low libido in women is a massive problem, but surely there are better incentives than searching for alternative motives such as household chores?

If women need to fantasise about their new kitchen or freshly mowed lawns while being intimate with their partner, clearly there are some sex lives that could do with a bit of a shake up! Plus, it makes me wonder what message this is sending – women want to be known as sexual beings, don’t they? Yet if there are so many women out there in long-term relationships having sex for payment, it doesn’t really do much for the overall cause. Instead, it screams women don’t want sex so you’ll have to pay us to do it; particularly those in long-term relationships who want it to survive.

No wonder men continue to say they can’t figure women out! So many women look down on others who get paid cash for sex, yet if it’s just one man whose paying and the women’s in a long-term relationship it’s okay. We live in such a confusing world, don’t we?

Image via honnest.jp