Periods still really gross some people out. Even merely uttering the word in a room full of fully-grown adult men will result in some of them gagging and feeling physically sick at the very idea of a woman bleeding from her vagina.
Periods freak some people out so much, women who are menstruating are banned from public pools, and some men are so clueless about them they believe us gals should just hold our period in like pee until we can find a toilet.
And really, aren’t they correct? After all, periods are disgusting. I mean, we bleed from our vaginas, which is just plain nasty! Vaginas are for having sex with, and that is all. Not to mention the bad PMS some women have can turn even the sweetest lady into a demonic woman. No-one likes a girl who is anything other than sweet and cute.
So, all of you gross women who are currently having your period, here are some tips so you can stop being a repulsive, vomit-inducing filth-monger while you are bleeding from your va-jay-jay… (FYI: Extreme sarcasm ahead.)
1. Remember: you are disgusting when you are menstruating.
2. Avoid at all costs saying – or even thinking – the word ‘period’. There might be a guy is in the vicinity who will sense that you are bleeding like a filthy animal, which will immediately repulse him.
3. So you don’t ruin your bedding with your stomach-churning moon blood, try instead just sleeping on a pile of dirty rags on the floor.
4. Every time you have to insert a tampon, say three Hail Mary’s to ensure you remain pure while pushing something inside your vagina, and to cleanse your body from any period demons.
5. If your cycle syncs with your BFF, take turns looking each other in the eyes and reminding each other how gross you both are.
6. Make sure to send out an email to everyone you might interact with the week of your period, explaining how you will be an insufferable, moody bitch all week who’s thoughts and opinions should obviously not be trusted during this time, as Donald Trump once rightly pointed out.
7. Definitely, under no circumstances, have sex while on your period. This is actually a blood ritual that could summon an unspeakable evil which would wreck havoc on the world.
8. In fact, don’t even let your partner know you have your period, because they might break up with you due to your sickening condition. Tell them you have to go on a work trip once a month to avoid freaking them out with period talk.
9. You will crave junk food while you have your period, but you should never, ever eat it. You’re already a gross pig right now, you don’t need to eat like one, too.
10. Because period blood is so repulsive, you should shower at least five times a day to wash away the shame, smell and sight of the blood, and obviously never use anything as abhorrent as a menstrual cup.
11. Remember that while you have your period, you become a shadow of a woman and as such, will be rendered incapable of doing anything for yourself, so consider hiring a nanny to wash and care for you during this helpless time.
12. Never be caught in the tampon aisle of the supermarket. Instead, cause a distraction near the front of the store, and while nobody is looking, grab a packet and leave the scene of the crime immediately.
13. Store your feminine hygiene products in a locked safe, and hide the safe under the floorboards of your basement, so no one can accidently stumble across them while looking for something in your bathroom. That could freak them out.
14. If you accidently get some blood on your underwear, burn them to get rid of the evidence. Then burn all of the clothes you were wearing at the time. Then, burn down your house. Burn it ALL.
15. Don’t wear white under any circumstances, because if you happen to leak, onlookers may drop dead from shock, and you’ll leave a trail of corpses behind you.
16. Postpone any and all exercise plans, because if you happened to bleed through your workout gear while doing yoga or something, the world would actually stop spinning and we’d all fall off.
17. Don’t ever tell anyone you have your period. In fact, don’t even speak to anyone whilst menstruating. If you can, don’t even leave the house.
18. Realize that having your period is actually completely normal and shouldn’t have any shame or stigma attached to it, and anyone who actually believes any of the above could probably do with a lesson in female biology. Until then, maybe avoid them like the plague.
Images via giphy.com, tumblr.com.
Comment: Do you know people who actually believe some of these gross misconceptions about menstruation?