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November Relationship Advice

Question:Earlier this year my marriage ended when my husband had an affair. He ended
up blaming me because he was dissatisfied with our sex life and thought I was responsible for the issues associated with this. There were issues but I honestly don?t think our sex life was that bad and speaking to many of my friends I’m sure that it wasn?t. Sex changed as soon as we were married and I guess I felt used a lot of the time. I felt under pressure to perform and as though nothing was ever good enough (apparently it wasn?t). I am seeing a therapist and feel as though I?m working through a lot of things. I know in my head that it wasn’t my fault but sometimes it?s hard not to wonder. I’m at the stage now where I’m starting to see some people casually. I’m really lacking in confidence with regards to the sexual side of a
relationship and I?m also worried about some of the same issues I had with my husband repeating in future relationships. Sally

Answer: Sally, if you felt used and unappreciated and under pressure, did you tell your ex husband how you were feeling? If you suffered in silence or resentment, this eroded your own feelings of worth and would have contributed to your marriage ending. If you did communicate the problems to him and he chose to ignore you, then that was a clear signal there were issues in your marriage that needed attention. Frankly, this is the time you should have first sought help from a therapist or a professional relationship counsellor. Working through this with your ex may have either helped rebuild your relationship or shown you both how to end the marriage without laying blame on each other. In any relationship both people need to own their behaviour and be prepared to take responsibility and that means that you both have to take on responsibility for your part in the marriage. It is too easy to say it was entirely the other person’s fault. Feeling confident about having sex with someone new is not easy. Either wait until you feel such a close bond with someone that confidence is not an issue or jump in knowing and accepting that confidence will come in time with the right person. You need to set some standards of behaviour you expect from yourself and from others. These standards will become your personal boundaries and will make sure that you have the courage to speak up for yourself when the need arises.

By Michelle Lewis


Michelle has been one of Australia’s leading matchmakers and as a relationship expert is the founder of Date Doctors.

Her first book is The Street Guide for Flirting. We all notice that guy or girl who effortlessly breezes into a room and immediately attracts the attention of every individual there. And they’re not necessarily the best looking, wealthiest or smartest in the crowd. So what’s the secret? This guide shows you how to be the most fabulous flirt.

RRP $19.95 but only $17.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop.