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Relationship advice – the ex factor
Question: “Hello to the Shesaid team,
I have been introduced to your site from a work mate and I absolutely love it-my girlfriends will too when I get them to log onto your site also.
I have a major dilemma that I would like some help with if possible?
The long and short of it is, I have met & fallen in love with an absolute sweetheart after having my heart broken into a million pieces by my ex
partner who was nothing but selfish and took my kindness for weakness! Everything and everyone was more important than I and I was always put last! I am an extremely sensitive person and take things to heart easily – but since the split I am feeling myself dying inside. My anger, frustration and sometimes hate I feel towards my ex is effecting me sooooo much – it’s affecting my relationship now because everytime my boyfriend says something or does something wrong to me (or even just joking around, I take things so much to heart) I think the world is coming to an end and how could i let him hurt me-again! I’ve been hurt enough already! I can’t seem to control my anger fits and in the last week or so have lashed out at my boyfriend by pushing and hitting him. On Saturday Nite I threw the remote control at him-behaviour that is just unacceptable, yet I feel like I can’t control
myself!!! My boyfriend is very understanding and forgiving and has told me he will come to see a counsellor with me-I just feel so guilty now and am dragging my feet because I don’t forgive myself for being so mean and taking out my
anger for my ex on my beautiful boyfriend. I’m so scared of ruining our relationship!
Please help me-what do you think the best thing I should do is?
L xxxxxxxxx”

Answer:L, I am going to be cruel and harsh with you because I think you need to be shocked into some rapid action. There is always fall out from a relationship and while it is good that you can acknowledge your ex hurt you deeply, you need to seek some anger management therapy as well as working through unresolved issues you have regarding your ex. I don’t believe you are sensitive. Right now, your behaviour would indicate that you are self absorbed and can only see things from your own perspective. You are crumbling under the weight of the cargo you are hauling around from your past relationship and you need to take some time out to work through this before you are ready for another relationship.
If you really were as sensitive as you say, you would have some sensitivity towards your new boyfriend and how your behaviour is affecting him. If you know how much damage your ex’s treatment hurt you why would you be treating your boyfriend in a way that is going to hurt him? Stop hiding behind your ex and playing the victim. Take ownership of your anger and deal with it in a constructive way. Your behaviour is not only unacceptable, it is deplorable. How dare you make your boyfriend pay for the perceived sins of your ex. You need professional help and you need it now!

By Michelle Lewis

Michelle has been one of Australia’s leading matchmakers and as a relationship expert is the founder of Date Doctors.


Her first book is The Street Guide for Flirting. We all notice that guy or girl who effortlessly breezes into a room and immediately attracts the attention of every individual there. And they’re not necessarily the best looking, wealthiest or smartest in the crowd. So what’s the secret? This guide shows you how to be the most fabulous flirt.

RRP $19.95 but only $17.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop.