Need to reignite the spark between you and your partner?
It’s time to get creative, ladies (and gents): You may need to pose as Inga the Swedish milkmaid, or even indulge in some good, old-fashioned adult doctors and nurses. No matter what blows your hair back – passion play, involving roles and costumes, may lead to the best sex of your life, says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured).
Dr Mars – who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being – is often bombarded with this million-dollar question by desperate couples: “How do I sex up my sex life?!” And role play may well be the answer.
She says the film adaptation of Fifty Shades Of Grey is, in part, so hugely popular because it glamorises couples’ role play; acting out erotic roles in a sexual fantasy. In addition, some people use sexual role play as a means of overcoming their inhibitions. “Role play can definitely reignite the spark between couples; Fifty Shades Of Grey wouldn’t be so popular if it didn’t, but it doesn’t need to be BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism),” Dr Mars says.
“Walking around in sexy lingerie and high heels if you don’t usually do it can be all you need. Being a bit toppy, or submissive, if it’s not your usual thing can also be exciting.
“Put on a costume, see if it changes how you feel, try a wig. If you are not sure, just do it for yourself in front of the mirror no one needs to know, but you may be changed by the experience and that might be enough to light (or at least lay the foundation for) a fire!”
And the recent Under the Covers Sex Survey, commissioned by Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, via www.adultmatchmaker.com.au – developed by Dr Mars – confirms the popularity of role play. More than 7600 Australian respondents answered AMM’s inaugural sex survey anonymously, shedding light on what blows our hair back in the bedroom.
Key sex survey findings included: “kinky sex” is a popular fantasy with 60 per cent of respondents, and post-Fifty Shades of Grey (pictured), BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) is popular, with 30 per cent of respondents including it in their list of sexual fantasies.
And if you’re looking for deeper, better intimacy with your partner – as well as the best sex of your life – Dr Mars also recommends we hit the books. “When I started to research sexual pleasure as an academic in 2005, I read every book I could find on the issue, from Masters and Johnson’s seminal work on sexual response, through to Kim Cattral’s pleasant, little book [Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm] on achieving satisfaction, and nasty, hard-core ‘how to’ books.
“There’s good advice in all of these books for couples wanting to sex up their sex lives. Improving sexual technique and making an effort to get better educated in this area is so important. It’s one of those things we think we can just do, but actually like anything, it takes effort, energy and practice.”
And, dear readers, if you’re also in need of advice on how to have more spontaneous sex, the good doctor advises us to diarise sex, such as role play. “Spontaneous sex happens when people feel sexy and when that isn’t happening then scheduling sex, making sex dates or times to share some sensual intimacy can work way better,” Dr Mars says.
And, like countless couples, if mismatched libidos are the bane of your existence, she says to take the pressure to have sexual intercourse out of the equation. “Mismatched libidos is a problem in relationships, but not just for men. Women can also want more sex than their partners and it’s a problem for both partners, not just the partner who wants more sex,” Dr Mars says.
“Shifting the focus to sensuality is a tried-and-tested technique for increasing intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, this also leads to more sex. Increasing intimacy and spending time on sensuality can help to increase sexual energy and sexual energy is the key to great sex.
“If you want to get back to having more sexual pleasure, or make sure your partner is having it with you, then it’s time for either or both of you to make a change. Often libido drops when we are tired, unfit, or unwell, so improving overall energy levels by making changes to your physical well-being can make a massive difference.”
And Dr Mars believes boosting our sexual energy is also crucial to resolving sexual discord. “After I finished reading all those sex books I started reading books about sexual energy – there are a lot of them,” she says. “I also started going to workshops and practicing different techniques to increase my sexual energy. You can think of this as sexual physiotherapy or sexual reiki.
“What I discovered, was that you can lift your sexual energy and you can share that with a partner. If you want more sex than your partner and this is an ongoing issue then you should be able to answer this question: ‘What have you learned about sex since your last sexual encounter with your partner?
“So, here is my advice to both partners in a mismatched libido relationship, get fit, get educated, talk to a sexpert, spend some time looking after yourself, start making the change yourself. “In the words of that famous philosopher/model Rachael Hunter: ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen’.”
What do you think? Is role play important in your sex life?
Images via Cosmopolitan, en.cyplive.com and archive.lovingyou.com