Sex, sex noises, loud sex, orgasm noises, orgasm noise, weekend wit, humour, humor, life, weird sex noises, good sex noises

This Weekend Wit article is about those weird and wonderful sex noises that happen. And while most of us know what they are, people rarely talk about them. Even lovers avoid those conversations. Can you imagine? “Hey babe, how was that incredible sound of air gushing out your vagina!?”

Some people can be a little concerned about the weird noises bodies make during sex. And some are so self-conscious about it they get up and bolt. We humans are a funny species aren’t we? So grab that cuppa, because you’re about to be entertained by the human side of weird and wonderful sex noises.

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Orgasm noises

Don’t people make some weird facial expressions and noises when they climax? There’s that puffing and panting that goes on and makes humans sound more like overheated furry animals for a start; then I’ve heard people describing their lovers orgasm as a host of different things such as a dying cat, a birthing cow and even a whale on heat (to name a few). I don’t know what a whale on heat sounds like but it seems a little too offensive to be endearing, don’t you think?

Then there’s the “oh my god” statements. “Yesssss” cries and let’s not forget the name calling; “oh (insert name here).” They are all pretty standard, but what about people calling out the wrong name? I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t really comment, but what do people do when that happens? Do they stop mid orgasm? Do they finish? Do they run for the bathroom? Hmm, that’s a weird sex noise of a different category. Possibly the shameful variety? Anyone care to share their misfortune?

Anyway, have you ever noticed that some orgasm noises can sound a lot like a person being murdered? Think about it. Imagine the movies with sex scenes verses murder scenes. Now try and distinguish the audio between the two – hopefully you can hear what I mean.

Who would have thought there was so much similarity between the audio of pleasure and pain. The perplexing question is why? Shouldn’t humans have an exclusive ‘I’m being murdered’ noise and a ‘I’m having an orgasm’ noise? Humans are weird creatures indeed.

Suction cup noises

When two moist surfaces stick together they sometimes make a loud suction cup noise when they separate – kind of like a slurpy sound when you suck hard on a smoothie. It can happen to hot sweaty bodies in the throws of passion, especially if there’s a bit of loose flesh about. It’s also one of those sex noises that doesn’t happen often. So when it does it’s worth at least a few giggles, don’t you think?

Now, I read a sad story about one lady who got so embarrassed when it happened that she bolted out of the room. This screams one-night stand! She should have taken advantage of her situation and made as many weird and wonderful sex noises as possible – at least the experience would have been remembered for all the right reasons. It’s surprising she didn’t slip – she got out of there so damn fast.

Air escaping

Air escaping the vagina sounds are like a loud fanny fart without the smell. It happens because the penis pushes air into the vagina during the in-out action of sex. The air has got to go somewhere, so when it does it’s usually after sex or when a woman suddenly change positions. Guys, if it does happen, don’t ask your partner: “Did you just fart?” It sort of ruins the moment!

Squishy sounds

When a women is really wet or the couple have poured a bottle of lube on their genitals, that squishy sound happens. Some people love it and say it’s the best sound of sex, while others aren’t as enthusiastic – they find these sex noises downright embarrassing and just want it to stop.

One women questioned if she was too wet – suffice to say she got plenty of positive feedback. She quickly found out that the words ‘too wet’ in this context should never be considered a problem.

Oral sex noises

The last one on the list for today is oral sex noises. I’m talking about the person with their face full doing the work, not the person laying back and enjoying it. There’s gagging, gasping and those trying to breathe noises going on. It can actually sound very concerning and in any other situation their lover would probably offer some help. Who would have thought the sounds of choking or running out of oxygen would be such a turn on for so many people?

Image via Apartment Therapy