Why Masturbating At Work Is The New Smoke Break

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There’s something that’s been on my mind ever since I watched the sex-fuelled movie The Wolf Of Wall Street.

No, I’m not talking about watching Margot Robbie finger herself (though that was seriously hot), it’s when Mark (Matthew McConaughey) admits to Jordan (Leonardo DiCaprio) that he jerks off twice a day: once in the morning after he works out and once after lunch, to improve his focus.

It’s not surprising. People need to relieve stress. That used to come in the form of a smoke break, but the price of cigarettes has been on a continual rise over the past decade, as has our awareness of the health risks associated with nicotine use. For non-smokers there was the coffee break, but that wasn’t stress-relieving as we just used it to reply to personal emails or make pressing calls we couldn’t make in the office – not to mention it’s ridiculous to pay more than $4 for a latte when you could simply use the Nespresso machine the company has so “thoughtfully” supplied.

So, a number of employees have decided to take matters into their own hands – literally – by rubbing one out at work.

And before you tut-tut the idea, you should know that not only does reaching orgasm relieve stress (read: having your boss breathe down your neck all day), it also lowers the risk of type-2 diabetes and improves heart health. A Wilkes University study even found having frequent orgasms can boost your immune system, meaning less time off work trying to fight that flu.

And don’t forget the DeskTime data that proved the highest-performing 10 per cent of employees worked for 52 minutes then took a 17-minute break. Just think of how many times you could reach the big O in that time…

Back in January, that was the perfect amount of time for men of Manhattan to jerk off inside GuyFi, a converted phone booth put into effect by sex-toy company Hot Octopuss. An ideal place, considering Time Out New York had recently revealed to the world that 39 per cent of us masturbate at the office – “Male, female, gay, straight, [we’re] all going to town during business hours”.

Yep, everybody’s starting to come to terms with the fact all those myths about channeling repressed sexual energy into greater life projects are just that: myths. To be truly successful in life, you need to have a clear mind, and what clears a mind better than an orgasm?

Behavioral neuroscientist and coauthor of The Orgasm Answer Guide Barry R. Komisaruk, has been studying brain activity during sexual stimulation for 20 years. “What we see is a gradual increase in all the brain regions leading up to orgasm,” he says. Then afterwards the brain cools off rapidly, leaving a clean, inspired slate.

In addition, when conducting a study on rats, scientists at the University of Maryland discovered an increase in brain cells after sex, but “any improvements in brain power were lost once the animals’ sexual activity stopped”, which is why it’s a good idea to even get into solo sex a few times a week.

Now before you start pointing the finger at the sleazy guy in your office, I should tell you it’s not just him most likely doing it – nor is this really that new of a concept; it’s only started gaining traction now as more and more people give up smoking and their bodies start to crave that rush of dopamine from another source.

In 2011, Brazilian woman Ana Catarina Bezerra won the right to masturbate at work. That may seem like an odd lawsuit – workers are entitled to smoke breaks but masturbating could get you fired? Remind me again which one’s actually good for us? – but hers was a bit of a special case. The 36 year-old accountant suffers a chemical imbalance that causes severe anxiety and hypersexuality, so she was masturbating up to 47 times a day to take the edge off. The win also gave her the right to watch porn on her work computer. After all, a happy employee is a productive employee, right?

Flicking the bean at work is intriguing, but for the most part a little scary, especially since female masturbation is still a bit of a taboo topic.

My advice? Be the boss and slay with a silent vibrator, learn to achieve moan-free orgasms, and don’t do it in your cubicle – there are cameras everywhere. And if you do it in the public toilets, clean up after yourself.

Do it this week – then if you do happen to get caught, you can blame it on the fact May is Masturbation Month, and what better way to celebrate it than that?

GIFs via giphy.com.

Comment: Would you ever – or have you ever – masturbated at work?