“I filled the sugar jar with powder laxatives and made that bitch think she had IBS for six months.”
Admit it. You’ve done something you’re not particularly proud of.
…Or maybe you are?
Because there are people in life who seem hell-bent on pushing our buttons. People who stir something inside us that creates the kind of itch that can only be satisfied with vengeance. Cold, hard, sweet vengeance.
Does exacting revenge on someone who’s scorned us make us petty?
Probably. But it also makes for a damn satisfying story to tell later on, behind closed doors. And besides providing entertainment value, these downright doozy confessions of retaliation – thanks to the anonymity of Reddit – help to remind us that we’re all guilty of a little of the old ‘eye for an eye’ approach (some of us just go a lot farther than others)…
1. A very shitty thing to do
“We had a guy in our dorm who would come into our room and eat the snacks we had lying around without asking. He was kinda an asshole anyway, and we’d had enough of his shit, so we baked cookies with laxative chocolates and just left them out. Sure enough, he ate nearly the whole plate. He spent almost the whole rest of the day in the shitter and almost took himself to the hospital. Eventually he found out because everyone on our floor knew what we’d done and it got back to him. He tried to take a swing at me at a party the next weekend, and immediately got swarmed by like 5 guys, and thrown out of the party. He didn’t eat our cookies anymore after that.” –DolphinSweater
2. The grass isn’t always greener
“I put grass killer on an assholes lawn…in a straight line from his gas connection on the house to the gas connection at the street. Then suggested to him that the gas line may be leaking.” –imnotboo
3. Pissed off
“My roommates stole my shampoo and conditioner, and after repeated attempts to request they use their own, I bought myself a fresh bottle which I kept in my room and would bring with me to the shower. I then pissed in both the shampoo and conditioner bottles in the shower and never used them again, except to observe their levels going down over time. Never told them. Never stopped. Worth it.” –SigmundFeud
4. An awful hurry
“I was about to back into a parking spot when this lady, who very obviously saw me trying to back in, decided to zoom into the spot and take it. Now I generally don’t consider myself an asshole, but I am sort of prone to a bit of road rage. So I hopped out of the car and asked her very politely why she took my parking spot. To which, she replied “I don’t give a shit, I was there first and I’m in a hurry.” She must have been in a hurry because she did hurriedly jog into the coffee shop for a quick cup I guess. That day I just so happened to have a tool kit in the back of my truck, so I calmly walked over, took out the valve stem tool, and pulled all four of the valves from her tires. She came back out as I was putting the tool back. I didn’t stay long enough to say anything. I hoped back in my truck and whipped around the lot. I could see her trying to flag me down as I left the plaza, so I just gave her the finger and drove to my other coffee shop of choice.” –9-1-Holyshit
“My flatmate was taking my fair trade bananas and sugar and swearing blind she didn’t use them, so wouldn’t pay for them. I filled the downstairs sugar with powder laxatives and made that bitch think she had IBS for six months.” –hopsinduo
6. To hell and back
“I looked a handicapped guy in a wheelchair dead in the eyes as I didn’t hold the elevator door for him. Thought that elevator was going to take me straight to hell.” –badcomment
7. When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go
“I was visiting friends in Vancouver and went out for a run one day. I ended up getting lost in a residential neighborhood which seemed to twist on forever. This wasn’t great, because I had some gastric distress. Eventually I had to go, so I had diarrhea all over someone’s immaculate hedges. As I was leaving the crime scene, I saw one of those stickers on their car with all of the members of their family, and it looked like they had some young kids.” –poppaPerc
8. Accidents happen
“I had a boyfriend for about six months. Things were fine and we were taking it slow, until his roommate told me that they had sex. I was angry, but I told the roommate I wasn’t going to be mad about it, because I figured there was no point. The roommate must have thought I was in a much better place than I was, because he said I deserved to know everything my boyfriend was keeping from me. He pulled up a Twitter account of my boyfriend’s where he documented all of his bareback sex encounters with random men. At this point I got mad and accidentally forwarded the whole page to his mother. Oops.” –blacktrickswazy
9. Captain Ketchup
“I used to put ketchup packets under toilet seats so it would spray on the back of people’s legs/pants when they sat down. Thank you, Captain Underpants.” –quasi_saves
10. Vanishing act
“I put in my two weeks notice to my bosses, and didn’t say a word to any other coworkers about it. Most of them found out I was leaving on my last day. I didn’t tell anyone, really. Just left town after that. Didn’t try to get a hold of any friends or acquaintances. Hadn’t spoken to them in months anyway. I more or less just disappeared from my whole life. It’s a pretty dick move to ghost people, to just walk away and never talk to people again, but I was going through some serious depression at the time, had been confined to a psyche ward 11 days a few months earlier. I never had a Facebook, or Twitter. I have no idea what – if anything – my old friends think happened to me.” –FalseAesop
11. Payback’s a bitch
“In the fifth grade, I paid a kid five dollars to break up with his girlfriend out of spite for her.” –StumpyAlex
Image via shutterstock.com. Quotes via reddit,com. Some quotes edited for length and clarity.
Comment: Spill it; what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?