13 People Admit The Most Shameful Lie They’ve Ever Told

March 14, 2018

“My daughter was accidentally conceived in a threesome when our friend’s birth control failed.”

As kids, we’re told it’s bad to lie.

But as adults, we typically discover that sometimes, lying pays off. And other times – like when your boss asks you why if you like his vomit-inducing new tie – we learn it’s more polite to lie.

It doesn’t change the fact though, that when we lie, we experience that awful pang of guilt; the little reminder that we’ve done something we shouldn’t have and karma is probably now out to get us.

But if it helps, whatever lie you’ve told in your life, it’s probably not as bad as these doozies; confessed courtesy of an anonymous Reddit thread…

1. Jew better be telling the truth

“I told my employer that I was Jewish. I’m not Jewish. Had to research all the holidays, pick a temple to be a member of… In the end, I had to get a new job.” –ohiomensch

2. A hearty problem

“In an ironic twist of fate, I used to tell people that I had a heart condition, and that’s why I took pills daily (it’s actually Prozac). Found out about a year and some change ago that I do, in fact, have a heart condition.” –Paladin_Tyrael

3. Slipping up

“I dislocated my knee dancing like a maniac whilst drunk in January. Ended up on crutches for three weeks. Told everyone at work I did it bending down to grab something from the freezer because I didn’t want them to think I was a drunken maniac. People at work are still shocked that I dislocated it so ‘easily’ and keep saying how unlucky I am and bringing the sympathy. Now I just feel like a fraud.” –civicart

4. Allergic to the truth

“I told everyone that I am allergic to bees. I was so scared of them in grade school and junior high, that I convinced everybody that I am allergic so they don’t judge me when I run from bees.” –Jziggy13

5. Method acting

“I went to a bar in a town I didn’t expect to be in very often, and I decided to don a Scottish accent and make up a back story for a fictitious version of myself. Now, I doubt my accent would have fooled someone actually from Edinburgh, but by the end of the night I had a group of Americans and one bemused Australian chatting with me about the things that make the US a strange place to visit from abroad. Shots were bought, back slaps given, and a good night had; I thought nothing else of it. Until I was dating a girl from the next town over, and she took me to her favorite bar. That bar. We walked in, someone greeted my by my “name”, and I did the only thing I could do – cheerfully donned my fraudulent accent, explained that my business trip had been indefinitely extended, and spent the next twenty minutes furtively explaining to my date that I wasn’t a con man, just an ex actor with terrible impulse control.” –badass_panda

6. *Wink, wink*

“While me and my SO were still dating (maybe two weeks or so in), she winked at me when i walked into the pub she worked in. Me being the goof that i am winked back but messed it up on purpose and just sort of shut my eyes tight for a second, making her believe that I couldn’t wink. Now it’s over six years later and she still doesn’t think i’m capable of winking. One of my favorite things to do is just stand behind her and wink my ass off, purely for my own amusement.” –Nephur

7. Mugged by a lie

“When I was younger I walking home at night and the street lights were off, I got scared and starting running, knocked myself clean out on a lamppost. Someone walking their dog found me and called the ambulance. I was that embarrassed when I woke up I told the nurse I was mugged (I was 12). My parents turned up at the same time as the police. I gave a description that sounded a lot like gonzo from the muppets and police were searching the area with sniffer dogs. Thank Christ nobody was arrested and I still haven’t told my parents.” –TBritnell

8. Truth intolerant

“A girl I lived with two years ago thought I was stealing her yoghurt out of the fridge. I told her it couldn’t have been me since I’m allergic to dairy, and now I still can’t eat dairy in front of her or anyone from that friend group. She made me a dairy free cake for my birthday – the guilt is eating me alive.” –_deen_

9. Three’s a crowd

My daughter was accidentally conceived in a threesome when our friend’s birth control failed. We just told everyone that we got a surrogate. No one actually knows that our friend didn’t want to get an abortion so we decided to take the baby in as if she was ours.” –3801382933

10. Bitten by a conscience

“I once told people I had been bitten by a venomous snake to get out of work for a few days…. I had already called in sick a ton of times and just could not face them if I did it again. I am young and in good health, there is just no way even an old frail person is ill as much as I am calling in…. so yes, snake bite. Turns out they were fascinated and wanted to see it, so I had to wrap my foot up in a huge bandage and hobble around for weeks.” –BriennesBitch

11. Divorced from the facts

“At work, for whatever reason, when I first started I told a girl that I was married…I was never married…It got so out of hand that I actually bought a fake wedding ring….The whole hospital thinks I’m a husband…I’ve had friends call in pretending they’re my wife….It’s so crazy out of hand now that I think I would be fired if the truth came out.” –nocomply13

12. Dirty liar

“My ex hated porn. At first I thought he was hiding his own habits through this pretense, but it turned out that he really did have absolutely no interest in it and nothing but disgust for those who did. So for six years I feigned disinterest in porn and he carried on berating its consumers. All the while I was secretly having some alone time with Sasha Grey gang bangs.” –indilwen

13. Playing the fool

“I’m the kind of person that always leaves my shoes tied and just slips them on. I’m dating this girl for a couple months and then one day my shoe gets untied but I’m too lazy to retie it. It really bothers her and she insists on me tying it. I really don’t want to bend over and do it for some reason. It was around the time when Liam Neeson got his shoe tied by Olivia Wilde and I was crazy jealous because I really liked Olivia Wilde since watching House. She eventually asks me “Don’t you know how to tie your shoes???”. In my head I’m seeing Liam Neeson getting his shoes tied by Olivia Wilde and how badass it looks. So I say “No… I never learned how, you can’t tell anyone…” To this day, when my shoe gets untied in public she will pull me off to the side away from other people and secretly tie my shoe. For some reason it makes her happy and it’s the sweetest thing ever. I can’t understand how she would even tolerate a grown man who doesn’t know how to tie his own shoe! I’ll never be Liam Neeson cool, but I’ve found my Olivia Wilde.” –kdxn

Image via tumblr.com. Quotes via reddit.com, edited for length and clarity.

Comment: What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told and gotten away with?

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