“Sometimes I really just do feel like a mess and slutty and out of control.”
Amy Schumer, in all her effervescent glory, should be considered the modern manifestation of ‘girl power’. Not only is she quirky, unapologetic, and funny as hell, she’s also got some incredibly on-point insights into the sublime catastrophe that is sex and dating in your 20s.
Whether it’s dealing with the emotional trauma of finally falling in love or deciding whether or not to go home with that hot exchange student from Guatemala, Amy has you more than covered. Here are 13 of her most spectacular quotes that sum up everything you’ve ever praised or lamented when relationships rear their beautifully ugly heads.
1. On separating sex and love
“I don’t really have that much of it [sex] and I’ve been in mostly monogamous relationships. But then in between if I meet someone and I’m attracted to them, I’m gonna have sex with them. … There’s a guy right now I’ve been texting with, and I really don’t see myself having a bathing-suit wedding with him, but I’ll probably have sex with him.”
2. On falling in love
“I was falling in love when I wrote Trainwreck, was scared out of my mind and wasn’t even enjoying it. I was feeling sick all the time. It’s like being on drugs. It’s not even fun falling in love. You don’t remember it until you’re going through it and then you’re like, ‘why did I ever want to be in love?’
It kind of sucks. … It was really hard, but it was good, it was overwhelming. … I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mother was dead and real princesses get beheaded so I just have a more realistic take on it. “
3. On getting hurt
“I think I got more sensitive when I turned around 30, and just, there’s that misconception that men hurt women and women don’t hurt men. And I realized that I’ve hurt a couple people. And I didn’t want to do that anymore.”
4. On deal breakers
“Too close to your mom, narcissist, picky eater, someone who doesn’t like to go down on me [are deal breakers for me].”
5. On functioning in a relationship
“I’m great at dating because I am very fun to start a relationship with. I put my whole heart into it, and I’m impulsive. And I’m down to travel together and, like, go to another country. And I have sex usually very quickly in a relationship, so that’s how I’m good and fun to date. And then I’m bad because I chicken out and get scared and overwhelmed and run away.”
6. On dating friends
“I usually date my friends, like people that I’m close to already. And then we kind of try dating, and that’s hard. It’s not good to date your friends, I don’t think.”
7. On being the aggressor
“I really like a shy guy. I like to be the aggressor, I think. At first, anyways. I like them to be more the aggressor in the bedroom, but I like to be the one that kind of initiates initial contact.”
8. On bad boys
“I think when I turned 30 [is when I started to get wise about bad boys]. I was like, this is not good for anybody. It’s fun at first though!”
9. On embracing your sexual urges
“I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, ‘I have an apartment.'”
10. On the awkwardness of sex
“I think it’s stranger to me that people are shy about it. Because I know embarrassing sex stuff does happen! People aren’t just like, ‘Hi, I love you. We’re gonna be together forever.’ And then no weird noises happen.”
11. On sexual double standards
“Sex sells … and I’m a sexual person so I like talking about it. But there’s a double standard. Some of my favorite male comics talk about sex a lot and they don’t get labeled that. The double standard of that bothers me.”
12. On using the word ‘slut’
“I have moments where I feel promiscuous and moments where I feel really boring like a one-woman-one-man woman. … I feel like we’re all like that. Sometimes I really just do feel like a fucking mess and slutty and out of control. And sometimes I feel like, ‘Oh my god, I haven’t had sex in months and I’m not looking to and I just want to watch Downton Abbey in bed and make tea for myself.'”
13. On being yourself
“I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it.”
Comment: What’s your all-time fave Schumer quote or comedy skit?
Images via eonline.com, buzzfeed.com, bustle.com, yourtango.com
Daisy is a writer, actress, and outspoken feminist. She has a peculiar fixation with tennis and often shouts, "Vamos Rafa!" at inappropriate moments. Harry Potter is her spirit animal. Follow Daisy on Twitter and Facebook.