Welcome to hell.
I don’t drive, so I’m on public transport an awful lot. I’m usually pretty cool with it; after all, not having the responsibilty of physically transporting yourself anywhere is pretty good. You can relax with a book, listen to music, and just generally enjoy that little hiatus of time on the way to work where nobody can pressure you to do anything.
However, occasionally you run into someone (often several someones) who can turn your haven into hell. Meet 14 of the most annoying, repulsive, and downright weird people I’ve met, and sadly suspect you’ve met too, on public transport. And if you’re one of them, I suggest you rethink your life choices. Immediately.
1. The scoffer
Whether it’s McDonalds, KFC, or Subway, this person’s questionable table manners are topped only by the nauseating smell of their deep fried food. There are starving children in Africa, show some respect!
2. The underage drinker
I know we’ve all been there, but that doesn’t make me judge them any less. This poor dear is the teenager who hasn’t yet learnt to hold their liquor. Someone get that kid a bucket before they throw up on more than the seat.
3. The seat stealer
You’ve spotted the perfect seat. You’re super excited. You know everyone can see you’ve claimed it with your eyes. Except one person, who zips in front of you like a mosquito to O-positive and snatches it at the eleventh hour. Words cannot do my wrath justice when this happens.
4. The bag enthusiast
It’s a packed train, there are people standing, and still they keep their (usually small) bag on the seat while I mentally scream ‘DO YOU NOT SEE ME STANDING RIGHT HERE?!!’ There is a special place in hell for this one.
5. The toddler seat hogger
Look, I appreciate the fact that toddlers wriggle if you sit them on your lap. I know it’s a hot day. But when this person keeps their tiny tot in a grown-up seat while I’m standing nearby it ain’t gonna be pretty.
6. The couple that won’t stop making out
Just stop. Please stop. Nobody wants to see your live porn. As that saying goes; get a room!
7. The person who won’t let you take the aisle seat
Peak hour. The train is filling up. You see two people sitting in a three-seater with a space between them. After battling your way through the carriage, you look pointedly at the person on the end; not-so-subtly hinting for them to move over. Instead, that cretin stands, squeezes out, and insists that you sit in the middle. Two words; train rage.
8. The guy who won’t stop hitting on you
It doesn’t matter whether you have your earbuds in, you’re reading, or you’re fast asleep with a pillow over your head. This guy just wont…let…up. No means no, you idiot!
9. The loud phone talker
This is a classic. I don’t want to hear about the conference you have to go to. I don’t want to hear about your breakfast with your hated mother in law. I just want to get to work without being arrested for public assault.
10. The high school kids who won’t stop talking about sex
I’m cool with encouraging teenagers to express themselves, but there is something thoroughly disturbing about a 15 year-old loudly recounting how many blow jobs she’s given this week. Save it for Snapchat, please.
11. The group who won’t stop swearing loudly
Not gonna lie; I swear quite a bit. But not loudly on a train with old people and children around. Keep those potty mouths to yourselves.
12. The compulsive sneezer
Sneezing is a part of life. I’m super duper sorry you have the flu, but when you sneeze 25 times in a row and don’t cover your mouth even one single time, you’re going to tick people off. We don’t want your malaise. Use a tissue. And if you’re also coughing with your mouth open, you just made my hit list.
13. The person who feigns sleep so they won’t have to stand up
Again, peak hour. There’s a pregnant women, an old person, a guy with a broken leg; and they’re all standing. Instead of getting up, this person pretends to sleep like a baby, trusting nobody will wake them and they get to keep their seat. We’re not fooled. You’re just plain rude.
14. The random who won’t stop crying
Who is this mystery person with the emotional range of a 14 year-old girl who just found out her crush doesn’t reciprocate her love? What has happened in their lives to make them weep this river of tears in public? Either way, I’m dreadfully sorry for them, but that kind of open-mouthed uninhibited blubbering is reserved for episodes of The Bachelorette only.
Images via tymblr.com, giphy.com and dailymail.co.uk.