The 14 Borderline Insane Stages Of Falling In Love

Daisy Cousens

Because we’ve all lost our sanity for someone at one point.

Ah, l’amour. That warm, fuzzy, peaches-and-cream feeling you get whenever your phone buzzes with the tinkling ringtone you’ve selected for that special someone’s call. Or the titillating tingles surging up and down your spine the moment you get a whiff of his aftershave. Or just his general essence.

Love is the drive that makes you feel bolder and better than you ever have before. Your bae’s presence makes you truly believe you can walk on water (don’t try it, you’re not Jesus). Ever since we saw Baz Luhrman’s Romeo + Juliet we’ve aspired to it beyond all other sensations (even though ‘Romuliet’ lasted three days and everyone died).

Then we actually feel it. It’s painful. It’s confusing. It causes unprecedented amounts of anxiety. It forces you to do and say things you would never, ever, EVER do. To add another level of frustration, it’s far too freakishly easy to confuse love with lust. Everyone from Cleopatra to Clinton has gotten themselves into trouble for thinking with their bits rather than their brains at least once. Or twice.

But regardless of whether you are in love, in lust, or indescribably obsessed, you are, in fact, borderline insane. If you identify with any of these stages, chances are you’re already head over heels…

1. At least 70 per cent of your conversation is about him

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It doesn’t matter whether you’re talking to your parents, your friends, or your guinea pig, the vast majority of all chit chat is going to revolve around your latest obsession.

2. You would happily proclaim your love from the rooftops

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If given the opportunity (and the funds), you would host a celebrity studded party of thousands, stand on a giant shrine dedicated to your one-and-only, and scream, “I LOVE YOU!” at the top of your lungs, multiple times into three megaphones.

3. You regularly fantasize about him proposing to you

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Regardless of whether you’ve been with them for 10 years or 10 minutes, those proposal fantasies come thick and fast, and can create particularly awkward situations if he bends down on one knee to tie his laces and you throw out your ring finger and scream, “I do!”. It happens.

4. You are prone to inexplicable fits of the giggles

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Don’t look at me, I don’t know what causes it. All I know is that at odd moments in the day (board meetings, classes, funerals), you regularly suffer from acute attacks of the giggles, even when you’re not thinking about bae (which isn’t often).

5. You feel like the Hulk

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Love makes you feel invincible. Like, actually invincible. Like you’d jump across rivers if given the chance. Or on couches if you’re of the Tom Cruise persuasion. Just make sure you listen to your friends when they tell you not to shimmy up a flagpole.

6. You start tripping over things

Remember that end table at your parents’ house? The one you were told never to touch as a kid? Well, you broke it as an adult by tripping on it while frantically replying to a text from bae. You also trod on the cat, fell off the curb, and nearly knocked an old lady out off her walking frame. When they say love is blind, they ain’t kidding.

7. You turn into a human fountain

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Much like inexplicable giggling, inexplicable crying is also a thing. There’s probably nothing actually wrong, you could be having the best day of your life. But all of the feels that build on all that oxytocin just tend to get the better of you. Warning: This is NOT a good time to look at cute cat pictures or babies.

8. You become crazy jealous

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You’re doing your daily Facebook stalking of bae, and you see some other girl has liked his profile pic. A white-hot pain hits you in the chest and spreads to somewhere in the lower abdomen. Who is she? Is she pretty? Does he like her? Do I need to hunt her down?! You begin to mentally list the friends that would be willing to help you hide a dead body…

9. You say ‘yes’ to everything he wants to do

He might express an interest in spending an afternoon at the annual cat show, and despite your violent allergy to cats, you say yes. Just to see that adorable little smile when he pets a little kitty.

10. You literally cannot find a single flaw

Not in his personality, mind, physique, eating habits, penchant for constantly scratching his balls in public; nothing. To you, this dude is perfection manifest.

11. Being anywhere near him makes you want to faint

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You know that feeling you get when you take a really strong sleeping pill before you get on a long-haul flight that inhibits your ability to tell which way is up or down? And makes you as lightheaded as your grandmother on New Year’s Eve? Well, that’s what his presence does to you. How inconsiderate.

12. When he leaves, you feel empty

Wait…no…don’t leave! We’ve only spent the last month sharing every waking, breathing second together, that’s hardly enough time!

13. You become convinced you’re a poet

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When you’re not busting out those ballads at the bus stop when you think no one’s around, you’re scrawling poems to your loved one on anything you can find. You’re so dedicated to poetically expressing your feelings, you make Shakespeare look bad.

14. You just want to grab and squeeze him

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Every time he walks into the room, you have this mad desire to just cuddle all the air out of his lungs. Not in a violent or creepy way; just so he can never, ever escape you. Ever.

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