Hello, I’d like to place an order for one Channing with a side of Zac…
Being sexually frustrated is tolerable for the first month or so. I mean, sometimes it’s good to give your oxytocin production a break and focus on the important things, like your job, your friends, and your weekly supply of Ben & Jerry’s new boozy ice-cream, right?
But then your sex hiatus slips into three months, then six, and then all of a sudden you’re sitting home alone on a Friday night eating pizza and watching Magic Mike, wondering where, oh where your once fervent sex life has gone.
Fortunately, dry spells end. All it takes is a great guy, or a great night out. However, in the meantime, you have to deal with the torrid, turbulent state of being sexually frustrated. See, contrary to popular belief, women actually like sex just as much as men do (some of us more), and so we get just as antsy when we’re not having it. If you’re in doubt you’re not getting enough of the good stuff, here are 14 signs you need to get laid, like, last week…
1. You can’t stop listening to sexed-up music
Whether it’s JLo, Ariana, Jessie, or Nicki, your playlist consists of nothing but tunes that make you wanna grind.
2. You become mildly destructive
You’ll tear up post-its, pick labels off bottles, bite your nails compulsively, get oddly violent with inanimate objects; either way, sexual frustration brings out your destructive side. Watch out, French manicure…
3. You start buying batteries in bulk
We all know what gets a workout when sexual frustration rears its ugly head. Just be sure you don’t burn the motor out. Then you’re really stuck.
4. Average looking guys become attractive
It doesn’t matter if he’s below a 5/10, your standards will drop faster than Beyonce in the Single Ladies music video. Hey there, balding cashier wearing double denim and sneakers…
5. You have fantasies about the men’s locker room
What actually goes on in the men’s locker room? Just how naked do they get? Whatever the case, you’ll be dreaming up scenario after hot scenario every time you’re at the gym. Just don’t stare too hard as they come in and out, drenched with sweat or dripping from the shower…
6. You’re super sensitive to skin-on-skin contact
You could be getting change from the bus driver and a brush from his fingers makes you semi-weak at the knees. As for that hot co-worker who leans across you to grab the instant coffee, accidentally touching your arm in the process, make sure you sit down and cross those legs quick sticks.
7. You’re really irritable all the time
Whoever heard of getting PMS on day 14 of your cycle? The sexual frustration demons, that’s who. Twice in one month is just not fair.
8. Or you can’t stop inexplicably crying
Everything from The Notebook to the latest diaper commercial will make you tear up. Just make sure you take a deep breath and grip the edge of a table or railing for support. It will pass…eventually.
9. You binge-watch Trueblood
There’s nothing like living vicariously through a titillating vampire drama with lots and lots of sex scenes. Once you get past the blood, it’s pretty much artsy porn, right?
10. You wanna shake dat booty on the DF
Whether you’ve got a booty like a Cadillac or a lily pad, you want to get up, go out, and shake it till the break of dawn. And hopefully pick up a hot Guatemalan exchange student while you’re at it.
11. You exercise like a demon
While not as much fun as sexercising, regular exercise will work you into the same heaving, sweating mess (just minus the big O).
12. Or you angry-eat chocolate
But you’re more likely to do this. How dare Bridget Jones get more action than you do!
13. You flirt with literally EVERYONE
Everyone from the janitor to the boss will get a wink and a smile. Come on, save it for the cute intern you have a crush on! Or don’t; whatever floats your boat.
14. You have nightly sex dreams about Channing Tatum
Inspiration for sexually frustrated women everywhere, Channing, your parents deserve a freaking medal. Well done. Just well done.
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