We’ve all been there.
Sex can be a workout for your mind as much as your body.
What, with things like what your ass looks like from that angle and when your sex partner is going to take a hint and move two inches to the left to worry about, it’s easy to get lost in your own inner monologue when the sheets start dancing.
Don’t pretend you haven’t thought at least one of these things while getting down and dirty…
1. ‘Oh my God, is that a pimple?!’
Yes it is, and no, he won’t let you squeeze it – well, at least not until the deed is done.
2. ‘Why do I have to put the condom on him?’
Does sex render men so useless that they can’t even slide a condom on their tool? Or is it just pure laziness? It takes way longer for us to do it, anyway.
3. ‘Well, I’m never coming here again… or ever!’
How dare he just roll over, puffed out and satisfied, when you still haven’t reached the big O? If he’s gone soft, the least he could do is offer to go down on you.
4. ‘They look like dumplings that’ve been left in the sun too long.’
Isn’t it funny that guys don’t even want to feel their balls to check for testicular cancer, but they expect us to lick and suck them?
5. ‘Are you fucking serious?!’
Shout-out to all the guys who finish way too early. And then there are the other guys…
6. ‘Just blow already!’
He’s been thrusting for what feels like an hour and you’re starting to chafe. You’re over it, and if he’d just finish you’d be able to put that wash on.
7. ‘Um, that’s not the right hole – IT’S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!!’
Cue porn video and a diagram of a woman’s body.
8. ‘Well that’s $160 I’ll never get back.’
You wasted an entire lunch break and forked out a significant chunk of cash on sexy lingerie that he didn’t even notice. Hmph!
9. ‘He always feels so bad when I don’t come… Paul Wesley, Paul Wesley, Paul Wesley…’
That should work, right?
10. ‘What should I make for dinner?’
Can we suggest you steer away from bangers and mash? Unless you want to be reminded of this hideously boring moment…
11. ‘I have to remember to call Dad to let him know I’m still alive. Oh, shit – I just thought of my dad during sex. SHIT!’
Wow, talk about a buzzkill. He would not be impressed with the position you’ve got yourself in.
12. ‘Don’t touch me!’
When your boobs are too sensitive and you’re still bloated from a big lunch, but you still want the job done. Is it really that hard for him to just focus on your va-jay-jay?
13. ‘Yes, there, there, there, there – wait, where’d he go?’
Guys, when you hear a woman moaning with her eyes closed, keep doing what you’re doing.
14. ‘If we finish in five minutes, that’ll give me enough time to shower and still be in bed by 10.’
Because eight hours sleep is important, yo.
Images via weheartit.com and giphy.com.
Comment: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve thought in the sack?