Kanye West makes a spectacular appearance in this list of funny sex positions. Ah, Urban Dictionary. Where would we be without it?
Personally, I love that there’s a place for me to search for the acronyms my nieces and nephews use on Facebook and in texts – it makes me look like I’m totally clued in on the lingo, which grants me access to the much-sought-after ‘cool aunty’ title. But by god, if any of them ever look on Urban Dictionary for sexspiration, I will revoke their internet privileges.
Here are the most hilarious/disgusting entries (changed to include correct grammar, of course – we don’t want you to be distracted by incorrect spelling and poorly placed punctuation marks).
Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only. Please do not attempt at home!
“After intercourse, when you cum all over a girl’s stomach, you take a swipe off with your index finger, wipe it on her forehead and say ‘Simba’.”
2. The Houdini
“You are doing a girl doggy-style while she’s facing a window to the outdoors. Halfway through your thrusting, you do a pull-out move (to, say, finger her a little), and then your friend who is strategically hidden in the room sneaks in and inserts himself as if it were you. This is when you quietly exit the room, reappearing outside the window where you now – smiling ear to ear – wave at your girl, who suddenly thinks, ‘if he’s out there, who’s fucking me?!’ Hilarity ensues.”
“When two girls get naked, strap dildos to their foreheads, get down on all fours and crawl around trying to penetrate each other.”
“Wake your partner up by inserting your hairy balls in her mouth and you’ll hear the sound of a Wookiee.”
5. The Angry Pirate
“When a chick is giving you head and you pull out and blow in her face, then you hit her in the knee so she ends up jumping around while covering one eye.”
6. The 300
7. San Francisco Bird Feeder
“To suck your own or another’s cum out of a person’s ass, then spit it into their mouth, like a mother bird feeding her young.”
“When you light a girl’s pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say ‘You don’t have have enough badges to train me.'”
9. Charleston Chew
“A sexual act in which one partner, while performing cunnilingus, adjusts such that the upper lip rests on the woman’s labia while the lower lip rests on her anus. The taint is placed between the lips and gummed on, like an old woman eating a huge rubber cock.”
10. Cleveland Accordion
“The act of kneeling over your woman, beating off and quietly shitting on her knees, before loudly busting out onto her face. Then, in the mass confusion, slamming her knees and face together, like an accordion.”
11. Kentucky Klondike Bar
“The act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another with it.”
12. Kanye West’d
13. Tony Danza
“When you are giving it to a chick from behind, yell out ‘Who’s the boss?’. She’ll get confused and turn her head around. At this moment, you donkey punch her in the face, then scream ‘TONY DANZA!'”
14. Mexican Pancake
“When a man cums on a girl’s face, lets it dry, then peels it off and feeds it to her.”
15. Dolmio Grin
“A Dolmio Grin is what happens when you go down on a girl when she’s on her period and you get blood all around your mouth. It’s called a Dolmio Grin because you get a similar effect when you have lots of pasta topped with Dolmio sauce.”
GIFs via actresseswithoutteeth.net, giphy.com, imgur.com, likecool.com, makeagif.com, tumblr.com.
Comment: What’s the funniest sex act you’ve heard?
SHESAID's own Carrie Bradshaw, Arie is all about love, sex and crazy #lifegoals. Though she currently lives in Sydney, she feels most at home in New York City – and will sleep with whoever she needs to to get there. Follow Arie on Twitter.