17 Girl Things Guys Will Literally NEVER Understand
I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.
The saying, ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ has rung true since the dawn of time. Long before we were arguing with our SOs over decorative cushions, cavewomen were tearing their partners a new one for daring to mess with their cave’s interior decor.
It might be a slight generality to say women have just a few more indecipherable quirks than men, but from my experience of being a woman, this is certainly the case. Here are 17 things we should just get over trying to get the guys in our lives to understand, ’cause if evolution has taught us anything, it’s that they’ll never get it…
1. Decorative cushions
No matter how many times you explain it, men don’t seem to grasp the fact that our $65 decorative cushions are NOT for sitting on. Or lying on. Or resting your feet on. Do so and incur the wrath of a thousand forest fires, guys.
2. Expensive candles
The same goes for expensive candles. A scented candle that cost as much as a Coach bag is for fancy dinners, luxurious spa baths, or to create a mood on a third date (is that too soon?), only. They are not for providing guys mood lighting on poker nights, PlayStation parties, or the Superbowl. The emotional trauma of discovering that now worthless candle stub because your bae doesn’t understand there’s an actual technique to burning exxy candles is almost too much to bare.
3. Pricey, tiny jars of face cream
There is a reason such a tiny amount of face cream costs as much as your electricity bill. It’s the shit. What it is not though, is a last minute go-to for your boyfriend to slather all over his face when he’s out of shaving cream. Doing so is akin to killing our first born. But like everything with men, your guy is convinced size matters, so why would something so tiny be so valuable? *Sigh* If only they’d learn: it’s not the size of the wand, it’s the work of the wizard.
4. Our pre-going out ritual
So it takes him three minutes to pull on a pair of jeans and a classy collared shirt, plus gel that short hair. Fabulous. Congratulations. Here’s a medal. Meanwhile, our getting ready time is more like a three act play. Hair, makeup, waxing, tanning, trying on six different outfits, and that’s after the body scrub and face mask…all to look like what society considers even halfway mediocre. The struggle is real. So guys, stop telling us to hurry up every half hour. We said we’d be five minutes, and you should know by now; that means two hours.
5. Period cramps
Any guy who disses your period cramps as equivalent to being punched in the dick deserves to be, well, punched in the dick. They know NOTHING of the cataclysmic, debilitating, immobilizing agony we all face five days a month, 12 times a year, around 400 times in a lifetime. Until guys know what it’s like to bleed out of an orifice for almost a week straight, they have no right to belittle our suffering. When will men learn when the demons of the menstrual cycle set in it’s best to smile, do everything we say and stay the hell out of our way or risk a fate worse than death?
The same goes for PMS. I have done and said some of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever had the misfortune of doing or saying while I’ve been suffering from the old pre-menstrual syndrome. Anything from uncontrollable crying to outbursts of almost violent anger; we all go through it on the reg. Guys. Have. No. Effing. Clue. Men of the world: Telling us we’re “Acting like a bitch” during PMS is putting your personal wellbeing in great jeopardy. We’re not past stabbing you in the eye with a fork over dinner when the evil is within us, so don’t push it.
7. Why we have to have 12 different shades of pink lipstick
Here’s a life lesson for men; pink is never just pink. There’s salmon, fuscia, rose, blush, and a multitude of other shades crucial to whether or not we wear it with our outfit. Guys also seem to have missed the memo that rolling your eyes and complaining when we ask you to compare tablecloth swatches for the wedding or tell us which lippie suits our complexion best at the MAC counter will get you absolutely nowhere. When it comes to shopping, our willpower is Gladiator stealth. No amount of whining will tear us away from a Sephora sale, sorry to break it to you.
8. Different brands of shampoo
No, Pantene is not the same as L’Oreal, nor is L’Oreal the same as Schwarzkopf. Suggesting they in any way have the same effect on our hair is actually beyond horrifying, so men, if you’re reading this, just stop asking us to grab the first one we see. We’re going to be here comparing the packaging claims for a while, get comfortable.
9. Our obsession with straightening our hair
Ah, the straight-up bliss of a freshly straightened head of hair! Then of course you go outside and the humidity decides to ruin your life. But until that dreaded moment, our self-esteem goes through the roof. I pity the poor guy who never gets to experience this rush of sheer joy. Or the fool who asks why we can’t go hiking when it’s humid.
10. Our chronic fear of pimples
There is nothing worse than the terrible Catch 22 of getting a zit. Do I put concealer on it, which makes it look like a strange fleshy blob? Or do I leave it daringly uncovered, allowing my miner’s lamp to take over my previously immaculate skin?! Too much pressure! Having your bae stand in the background whining, “But you look fiiine…can’t we just leave already?!” only makes matters worse.
11. The agony of buying makeup
Even the thought of braving the bi-monthly makeup shopping trip makes me nervous, so imagine how it makes the men in our lives feel. Still, it’s a necessity to us as water is to a fish, and any man who dares accompany you on this journey to hell and back is clearly a keeper.
12. Plucking our eyebrows
I once plucked my eyebrows in front of a past squeeze. I have never seen a guy look so horrified in all my life (it was adorable). But we can’t be walking around with eyebrows like a man’s! That just defies all the laws of feminism, right?
13. In fact, any kind of hair removal
We wear bikinis. We wear short skirts. While I have endless respect for women who don’t give a flying fiddler over whether they have all their body hair, the rest of us have to suck it up and shave. Or wax. Or laser. And yet men still question our motives; I have no idea why.
14. The bottomless abyss of our handbags
I have so much crap in the bottom of my handbag I swear a small civilisation has finally set up camp. But I truly need those five lipsticks, three nail polishes, two types of perfume, teasing comb and brush, not to mention half-eaten granola bar and pound of spare change. Why don’t guys understand this?!
15. Our fixation with finding our Mr. Darcy
Whether he’s the version from Jane Austen’s timeless classic, or the suave lawyer from Bridget Jones’ Diary, every woman has at one point dreamed about meeting her own version of Mr. Darcy at some point. But guys just see Colin Firth occasionally mumbling over his words in a super British accent. Tsk tsk, will they ever learn?
16. The 30 (read: 63) pairs of heels we need to have
Casual heels, wedges, stilettos, kitten heels, boots, heels to wear with jeans, or tights, or long skirts, or short skirts…of course we need a multitude of options. But if guys wore heels every day they’d have two pairs; one black, one white, to go with everything. Blergh. They just don’t get it. Which is why, for the sake of every shoe-respecting woman out there, we must continue to hide our receipts and repeat the words, “Oh, these old things? I’ve had them forever, how come you never notice what I’m wearing?!! I’m upset now. Take me to dinner.”
17. Our constant ice-cream cravings
I don’t even think I need to explain this one. Day, night, work, play, ice-cream has to fit into the equation somehow. If it’s ice-cream paired with booze, even better. Guys are perfectly satisfied with three square meals a day, while we need constant treats to reward ourselves for all the hard work we do putting up with them. I mean, come on, men are a handful, am I right?
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