I feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
There are days I feel great. Days when I swear I could be related to Beyonce because my confidence game is so strong. When selfies are my friend and skinny jeans and I make amense. When I flash the cute barista a smile and giggle, “Oh, shucks” when someone at work compliments me on my outfit.
Then there are days when I feel like a sub-human beast who just crawled out of a cave of factory rejects. When I’m genuinely surprised the barista doesn’t run away tearing at his eyeballs when I approach the counter, and any compliment is immediately met with a hissing retort.
Those days are otherwise known as my ‘fat days’. And nothing, not Oprah, not inspirational Katy Perry songs, nor the strongest pair of Spanx known to humankind can squelch the overwhelming feeling that I am in fact the Puft Marshmallow Man incarnate when I’m having a fat day. These are the struggles every woman who’s ever had one knows all too well…
1. Jeans that looked sexy as f*ck on you a week ago suddenly make you look like you’re trying to smuggle a bag of oranges down your pants.
2. Dressing room mirrors become evil.
3. You literally feel like a human beach ball.
4. And are pretty sure this is how you look to everyone around you:
5. So naturally become convinced you are so hideous no man could ever look upon you.
6. You so much as smell food and feel like you’ve already turned into a whale-like sideshow freak.
7. You unleash random outbursts of rage every time someone looks at you, convinced they must be studying you for an upcoming episode of Medical Wonders: The World’s Most Cellulite Ridden Woman.
8. You can not find one single item in your entire closet that doesn’t make you look like a beesting victim.
9. So you try to compensate with an obscene amount of makeup.
10. But just end up looking like a bad drag queen.
11. So you accept defeat and put on your designated fat pants.
12. And try to look on the bright side.
13. But as soon as you catch a glimpse of your reflection it’s game over.
14. Ironically, food is your greatest refuge.
15. Because if you’re gonna be fat, you figure, why not go all out?
16. So you eat yourself into a coma, softly sobbing yourself to sleep as you begin mentally designing your new burka…
17. Only to awaken the next day to discover the storm has passed and you’re back to Beyonce hot.
18. So you do what all good fat day survivors do and shimmy into the first sequin mini dress you can find and go strut it out.
Images via giphy.com and tumblr.com.