No, I don’t want you to ‘fix me up’.
I’ve been single by choice for quite a while now, and honestly, singledom is really great. I’m beholden unto no one, and can do pretty much whatever I want without worrying about the consequences for my hypothetical SO.
However, this doesn’t make me immune to some of the most irritating, frustrating, and downright patronizing assumptions I face on a daily basis. From ‘comforting’ hugs to probing questions about my baby-making abilities, there’s not much you can think of I haven’t been thrown at some point. And if you’re single, chances are you’ll relate to these struggles too…
1. People assuming you’re a sexual deviant
Being single doesn’t mean you’re having kinky sex in potentially public places on the reg. Not that you’d be against it…
2. Your friends constantly setting you up
Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you want to be set up with literally any other conscious human of the opposite sex, including a guy whose only exposure to the outside world is when he leaves the World of Warcraft themed basement in his mother’s house to pee.
3. Always having leftovers
No matter how strategically you plan out your ingredient quantities, it seems impossible to make dinner for one. There are always leftovers for a second meal. Which means you can go whole weeks eating the same thing (I won’t be able to look at spaghetti the same way again for a REALLY long time).
4. Dealing with the ‘sympathy’ face
No single person on the face of the earth enjoys receiving the ‘Oh I’m so sorry you’re single. you poor deprived thing’ look. Seriously, do we give you the ‘Oh God you poor thing, it must be awful being stuck in a predictable relationship with your dull-ass SO’ look?!
5. Annoying couples’ parties
Singletons don’t imagine being uncomfortably wedged between two couples making way too many PDAs and exchanging the painstaking details of toilet training their toddlers when they envision their ideal way to spend a Saturday night.
6. Being reminded of your biological clock
Whether you are single, loved up, gay, trans, bi or everything in between, what you do or don’t do with your body is your choice, and yours alone. As such, telling a woman she’s running out of time to have kids is one of the most insulting things you can do. So please parents, keep your opinions to yourself on this one.
7. People assuming you’re ‘working on yourself’
Let’s be honest; no single person actually views singledom as an opportunity to work on themselves physically and mentally. It generally equates to going to the gym cafe for lunch and watching endless episodes of Dr. Phil. That still counts, right?
8. Long periods of celibacy
At some point, every single person feels the relief of a little break from the horizontal tango. No aching muscles or pregnancy scares, right? However, nobody likes forgetting when the last time they got dirty between the sheets was. That’s rock bottom right there.
9. Long spiels from loved-up friends about independent women
No single person wants to be lovingly lectured about how singledom allows independence to finally flourish. Women in relationships are independent beings too!
10. Friends telling you they wish they were still single
The last thing a single girl wants is for her loved-up bestie to wish she was still single when she’s having hot sex with a successful banker on the reg. That’s just a filthy lie and she knows it.
11. The “You’ll find Prince Charming one day” line
If he’s not Richard Madden in Cinderella, no single girl wants to know about it.
12. Old people saying they were married at 19
We get it, things were different back in the day. But what’s the point of lecturing singletons about liking a bit of casual D? Or for choosing not to have kids? Or declaring the institution of marriage is for suckers?
13. Being asked when you’ll ‘settle down’
Who says being single means being unsettled? Plenty of single girls are more settled than any married couple you’ll ever meet. After all, what does ‘settle down’ really mean nowadays, anyway?
14. Your bestie talking about her boyfriend. All. The. Time.
There’s nothing nicer than your best friend being happy, and if she’s so happy with her man she wants to shout from the rooftops about it, good for her. But there’s a limit to which one person can listen to every mundane detail of another person’s relationship.
15. The “But you’re so pretty, how are you single?” comment
News flash; you don’t have to be pretty to have a boyfriend. Sure, a push-up bra and a good hair day will help a single girl in the short term, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to who clicks with who.
16. Occasional episodes of relationship FOMO
Despite all the professing we’re happy to be alone (we are), we singletons still have the odd moment where we look at our spoken for buddies and their SOs and sigh a melancholy sigh. But hey, it’s not all bad. Our turn will come, and when it does, it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, we’re gonna enjoy the hell out of carefree single life.
17. Being told you need to lower your expectations
Really? That’s the key to everlasting love? Keeping your expectations low? No thanks. We’d prefer to keep our heels high and our standards higher.
18. People assuming you’re unhappy
Newsflash: single life is awesome. Hanging around like a slob all day ’cause you don’t have to worry about how you look in front of someone? Amazing. Seeing a hot guy at a bar and knowing you can pash him? Even better. Doing whatever the hell you want, all the time, with no one to hold you back? The best.
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