19 Questionable Things Every Mother Has Done
We’re mothers, not saints…
After flashing our vaginas to a room full of strangers whilst delivering our babies, then being repeatedly puked and pooped upon by said babies, most mothers of young children are pretty much past the point of humiliation.
Which is lucky, because motherhood involves plenty of moments requiring the complete abandonment of shame and dignity. Here are 19 things every mother has done that are so profoundly embarrassing, only another parent could understand…
1. Forgone personal hygiene
There are days, sometimes even weeks, when a new mother can struggle to find time for the luxury of a shower. But that’s nothing a can of dry shampoo and a quick top and tale with the baby wipes can’t fix. Sort of.
2. Worn the clothes you slept in to go out
Give us a break. Those sweatpants only had two days wear. And we’ve given them the sniff test.
3. Picked someone else’s nose
When your kid has a meteor-sized booger in his or her nostril, someone has to go in and get it.
4. Used spit to wipe your kids’ faces
Sure, it’s gross. But there isn’t a mother alive who hasn’t resorted to a quick spit and polish on a dirty child’s face.
5. Wiped kids’ snot on your clothes.
You’re right. That is disgusting. But we all do it. Sue us.
6. Caught puke in your bare hands
Call it motherly instinct if you will, but when it comes to vomit, we have better catching skills than your average Major League Baseball player.
7. Smelled someone’s butt
Maybe dogs are onto something here. A big sniff is the easiest way to check if junior’s packing something in his nappy.
9. Transported disgusting things
We mothers can discreetly transport stinky nappies or half-chewed food with skills a career smuggler would envy. And we do. Daily.
10. Lied about your kids’ ages to get free public transport
It’s pretty easy to knock a year off your kids’ ages when buying tickets. You haven’t? Really? No, me neither…
11. Let it all hang out in public
You’ve discreetly fed your baby, put her to sleep in her pram and set off – not realizing you left your blouse wide open and your boob is still hanging out.
11. Eaten pre-masticated food
Let’s face it, there are days that if we didn’t scoff our kid’s half-chewed leftovers, we wouldn’t even eat.
12. Watched your kids’ cartoons without them
Your toddler fell asleep half an hour ago and you’re still watching Dora The Explorer.
13. Gone out with stickers on your face
Those fairy stickers your daughter so kindly stuck on your forehead? Yeah, you’re still wearing them. In a job interview.
14. Talked to yourself in public, loudly.
Mothers often narrate the most inane activities to our little ones to teach them language skills. The only problem is we sometimes continue to do it when the kids aren’t there.
15. Laughed instead of helping our kids
Your little one mispronounced truck as something far more explicit or got their butt stuck in the toilet seat. And instead of helping them, you laughed.
16. Pretended your child is someone else’s
That tantrum-throwing child in the supermarket? Not yours, right? At least not until he stops.
17. Gotten drunk on a half a glass of wine
You’re out of practice, so it’s not surprising that half a glass of wine can have a new mother dancing on the tables. Or is that just me?
18. Fallen asleep on a date
You finally get out for a date with your significant other and are so tired you fall asleep in your entrée.
19. Forgotten to lock the door
There is quite literally nothing more embarrassing in the universe than getting sprung by your kids while you’re enjoying…’special cuddles’ with your SO. Except perhaps being the kid that catches you.
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Comment: What other embarrassing things have you had to do as a mother?