Being a golden Goddess has its drawbacks…
I’m not going to lie. I have a concerning addiction to spray tans.
Most of my daily routine is in some way or another focused on my tan; be it sloughing away the remnants of my last tan so I can get a fresh one, covering my face in an obscene amount of bronzer in a futile attempt to mask the fact my head is an entirely different shade to the rest of my body (the bane of every woman’s existence three days into a spray tan), or painstakingly avoiding all forms of physical contact so as to avoid ruining a new spray job (try explaining why you showed up to work in a muumuu and are refusing to shake your boss’s hand).
But for all its drawbacks, there’s nothing better than the feeling of invincibility I get when I’m newly bronzed and look more svelte and glowy than ever before. Yep, there’s no denying it, being a spray tan devotee is quite the emotional rollercoaster ride. If you’re like me, you’ll know these stages well…
1. You feel really pale.
2. People start asking if you’re feeling okay and saying things like, “You don’t look too well”.
3. So you figure it’s time to book in for a spray tan.
4. Then you begin the epic prep process: shaving, waxing and exfoliating yourself into oblivion.
5. And put on the slouchiest thing you own, with no underwear, makeup or hair styling, so you essentially look like a crazed hobo.
6. Then comes the awkward moment when you must get stark naked and lock yourself in a room with a total stranger.
7. And then contort your body into various positions that strangely resemble the robot dance while they spray you like you’re an abstract artwork.
8. Then it’s reveal time!
9. So you throw your baggy hobo clothes back on and leave the salon walking like a constipated cowboy to avoid potential rubbing.
10. And although you’re walking like a complete tosser, you’re starting to feel like you look pretty good again…
11. Until you catch a glimpse of your reflection a few hours later and make the horrific discovery you officially look like you’re trying to do blackface.
12. And immediately take to the shower, praying to God you’ll look normal again.
13. Then you get out of the shower and realize you acted too soon, you look as white as a Twilight character again.
14. BUT…then you wake up the next morning to a pleasant surprise: you’ve turned golden brown! You strut like you’re Beyonce for the rest of the day, winking at the hot barista ’cause you feel two sizes smaller.
15. And so begins the arduous process of slathering your entire body in enough body lotion to drown a small child in order to maintain your newly bronzed babe status.
16. But try as you might, a week later you discover you officially look like you’ve contracted a horrific skin disease.
17. And your face is now entirely white again and in no way matches the rest of your body, making you look like you’re in training to be a clown.
18. So, you do what all self-respecting women with week-old spray tans do and take to the shower to begin the epic skin sloughing process all over again.
19. …Returning to society so white you actually frighten passers-by, at which point, you know what you have to do…
20. So you book another appointment. You need to be brown and skinny again!
21. And so, THE HORROR BEGINS AGAIN!!!
Images via giphy.com and tumblr.com.
If you prefer to tan at home, check out our fave product picks for the best at-home fake tans that won’t leave you looking orange, here.
Comment: Do you spray tan or at-home fake tan, or embrace your paleness?