Because new year’s resolutions are sooo 2015.
It’s the New Year, and with that comes the idea of a healthier, happier version of ourselves. This is an awesome concept for those of us who really need to make concrete changes in our life to be fulfilled.
However, when we put huge amounts of pressure on ourselves to meet standards set by the billions of people who have made New Year’s resolutions before us, problems tend to arise. Why would you resolve to steer clear of having one night stands when you really, really like sex? Eat more kale when you think it tastes like pond scum, or stop binge-watching so much Netflix when you have an obsession with Orange Is The New Black? Last we heard celibacy and kale weren’t the keys to lifelong happiness.
So here are 27 thinks to stop wasting your energy fretting over this year. May they help you make resolutions for yourself, not for your holier-than-thou peers on Instagram…
1. Spending your entire pay packet on a night out.
So, you’ll be eating beans for the next week. #YOLO, it’ll be worth it for the hot guy you’ll pash.
2. Doing literally nothing on the weekend.
If all you want to do on a Sunday is lie in bed, eat pizza, and binge-watch Netflix’s best shows for chicks, then all power to you.
3. Playing hard to get.
Forget the rules; if you want to make out with a guy at a party, just grab his face and do it. It’s unlikely he’ll say no, anyway. And if he does, who cares? There are worse things, like love sickness for the one that got away.
4. Career FOMO.
If you’ve got career FOMO, don’t fret. All it takes is one simple change to turn your life around. Just make sure it’s the right one. Life’s too short for staying in a job you’re not passionate about.
5. Getting a Brazilian.
Look, if you like being bare down there, go for it. But if you’re only waxing your bits because you think guys will like it, stop immediately. So long as guys have a working vagina in front of them, they’re pretty damn stoked, regardless of the level of bush.
6. Keeping your room tidy.
Some of us actually function better in a state of organized chaos, so why not run with it?
7. Wearing uncomfortable clothing in the name of fashion.
If you want to wear tight clothes or dangerously high stiletto heels, werk it, gurl. But if it’s a hot day and all you feel like wearing is a muumuu and sandals, then for God’s sake go ahead and do it. You don’t have to look like Courtney Cox all the time.
8. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
No one will be any less intelligent for missing out on the deets of the Kardashians’ latest sex scandal.
9. Outfit repeating.
If you spent half your rent on a new dress, wear it once for each and every dollar. And don’t give a hoot about how many times you’re seen in it. No one ever went to their death bed wishing they’d worn something less often.
If you’re hungry, eat. Not just candy or fries, of course, but if you had breakfast at 6am and your stomach is rumbling three hours later, then just eat something, okay?
11. Splurging on superficial things.
Why must we put our money into savings accounts and spend it all on groceries and car repayments? Work is hard enough as it is, so reward yourself for your efforts on that pair of Louboutins you’ve been eyeing off for the last six months, and wear them guilt-free.
12. Doing outdoorsy activities.
If you’re an outdoorsy kinda gal, that’s fab. But if you’d rather pull down the shades and spent the day with Netflix and an oversized bucket of B&Js than go hiking or rock-climbing with your fitness crazed friends, just stop. Ain’t nobody got time for constantly exhausting themselves doing stuff they don’t even enjoy.
13. Hiding your guilty pleasure.
Everybody’s got one, and they range from the sublime to the ridiculous. Why hide it when you can embrace and own it?
14. Worrying about whether people think you’re weird.
If people think you’re weird, or disapprove of how you live your life, they’re probably super boring, and self-conscious about how they live their own. Screw that. #ByeFelicia
15. How much sex you’re having (or not having).
If you’re having sex eight times a week, awesome. If you’ve gone a year without a romp, you’re probably having a dry spell. It happens to the best of us, so isn’t worth stressing over. The amount of sex you’re having or not having does not define your worth as a human being. Sexual desire is not the be all and end all of life (although it is pretty damn good).
16. Shitty friends.
Friends are supposed to add to your life, not drain your emotional energy, so if you constantly make time for someone who fits the bill for being a shitty friend, recognize the relationship for what it is – a one-way street, and swiftly move on.
17. Changing how you behave to attract a man.
Yes, it’s helpful upon first encounter to wear a push-up bra and laugh at his jokes. But ultimately, attraction is organic, and dependent on a whole lot of brain chemistry and hormonal factors, so relax in knowing you have no control over it anyway. If he likes you, he’ll come to you. It’s in his biology, so chill out about it.
18. The ending of How I Met Your Mother.
Yes, we get it, it sucked. But that’s what fan-fiction is for, right?
19. Apologizing for everything.
Going apology free even for a single week is MUCH harder than you’d think. That’s because women are used to constantly saying sorry for everything from speaking up for ourselves to being sick. If you’re a chronic apologizer, there’s even an app now that can help you stop. So there’s no excuse not to give it up.
20. Political correctness.
From sex to politics, just call a spade a spade. It’s much more interesting and much less effort.
21. Trying to accommodate everyone.
In our horrendously busy lives, inevitably someone is going to be left out once in a while. The good news is you can make up for it down the track. Besides, true friends can not see each other for five years and then pick up where they left off, so stop worrying.
22. Making excuses for everyday sexism.
No, buddy, it’s not just a joke. Or harmless fun. Or ‘just what guys do’. You are clearly a complete sexist tool, so get the eff out. (And maybe send him this video.)
23. The word ‘feminism’.
Please, everyone, it’s not a dirty word. As Emma Watson so gloriously proved by ignoring her naysayers, you can use it without being a man-hating extremist who thinks guys should all be rounded up and imprisoned on a desert island.
24. Having a one night stand.
They’re awesome and nothing to be ashamed of. Especially when they end up being particularly steamy. So be fruitful and fornicate.
25. Counting calories.
Calorie counting is soul-destroying, stressful and ultimately doesn’t work. Eating by numbers is never a good idea; just listen to your stomach. It’s the true indicator of how much you should eat at any given time.
26. Turning yourself into a gymnast to please a guy in bed.
There are plenty of guys who expect you to be a contortionist in the sack. That doesn’t mean you need to turn yourself into a bendy doll at their will. It’s hard enough to reach the big O without the added anxiety of reenacting the entire book of Kama Sutra every time you have sex.
27. Achieving everything all at once.
Good things are worth waiting for. Whether career, love, sex, babies or anything else; everything will come in due course if you trust it will. So stop treating your life like a race to check off your bucket list and kick back with a killer cocktail and have a rocking 2016.
Images via ilovemycurls.tumblr.com and giphy.com