Valentines Day, the most romantic day of the year.
Unless, of course, you’re single AF, in which case it’s the day created in the fires of hell itself to torture and taunt those sans partner with everything they don’t have. Geez, thanks Hallmark. No really, it’s so enjoyable to be reminded how much love is all around everyone who isn’t me.
So with that in mind, I present to you: the emotional stages of a single gal on Valentine’s Day
1 Okay, yeah thanks alarm, I’m awake, checking Facebook and… crap. Goddamnit. It’s today isn’t it? That day where status after status is full of schmaltzy, lovey-dovey “I love you schmoopies”.
It’s Valentine’s Day…
2. It’s fine. I’m fine! I mean why is this bothering me? I love my single life right now. No one to snore and keep me up. No one to take up space in the bed. Look at me, stretching out all starfished in my luxury mattress. This. Is. Bliss.
3. It is a teensy bit cold though… But I guess that’s what my extra blanket is for.
4. Better get up and put on something fabulous. Single, kick-ass, independent woman coming through, bitches. Make way! Boys… eat your heart out.
5. Jesus, my eyes are watering. And my throat feels kind of itchy, what the…? Oh. It seems my train has temporarily transformed into a fricking pop-up florist. Yippee allergies!
6. Alright, heading into the office. Just another day toiling away. “Oh thanks so much Karen, no this isn’t a new dress… Oh no, it’s not for anything special it’s… No I don’t have a Valentine’s Day date tonight.” But thanks for bringing that up.
7. It’s 11a.m. and I feel great. I’m kicking ass at this Valentine’s Day stuff! Easy peasy.
8. My phone has been very silent today. Is it still on?
9. Yep still on. Hmmm. Might text my bestie and wish her happy Valentine’s Day. Oh! Her boyfriend bought her chocolates, that’s so sweet. I’m glad she’s finally found someone. She really deserves it.
10. Oh, he also bought her a Pandora ring. And a necklace. And flowers. Settle down dude, she’s already dating you.
11. Maybe someone will bring me flowers! Surprise flowers. From a secret admirer!
12. Hmm, it’s been eight and a half minutes and no flowers yet. Wait, why am I waiting for someone else to buy me something? Imma buy myself flowers to thank me for being the goddamn greatest. Treat yo’ self!
13. Sold out? I’m sorry, sold out?!! How the hell are flowers sold out? Do they not prepare for literally the biggest day of flowers on the whole fucking calendar?
14. Ooh, what about all the guys who forgot about Valentine’s Day and want to buy last-minute blooms because they’ve been guilted into it? Wow, those guys are in trouble. Haha. Thank Christ I don’t have to deal with that shit.
15. Bit of lunchtime Facebook…
16. Oh look, Matt bought Melissa flowers!
17. And Sophie and Craig got engaged. Holy mother of god that rock is huge… Gross. I would never want something that big. No. Not at all. Would probably be too heavy. Or blind me with its sparkles.
18. Oops. Just accidentally spent $300 online at Sephora. How did that even happen?
19. Someone is at the office door with flowers! Please be for me, please be for me.
20. Actually I don’t care if they’re for me or not. I don’t need someone I don’t even like (or know?) trying to bribe me into bed with petals. They’re coming towards me though. Holy hell the bunch is huge. They’re coming. They’re coming. They’re… going.
21. Flowers were for that bitch Carol in Marketing. “Why yes Carol, I did see the flowers!” You could fucking see them from space. “Yes you are so lucky, Paul is such a kind man!” Slash total asshole who starred at my ass at the Christmas party.
23. Casually checking Tinder on the way home. “Hey babe, that mouth of yours looks like it needs some V Day plans ;)” Ugh, Tinder is cancelled forever.
24. Tonight feels like a cheese and wine kind of night. This calls for a liquor store stop.
25. Red or white, red or white… um, that guy is standing really close to me. Like, really close. OMG is he flirting with me? He’s totally staring at me. What do I do? Play it cool, Liz. Play it cool.
26. I’m just gonna casually sweep my hair behind my ear and turn and… oh. He’s reaching past me for a bottle of Merlot. And going over to his Claudia Schiffer circa 1995 girlfriend with legs up to the frigging sky. Because of course he is.
27. Oh hey, one of my girlfriends is calling. She’s asking if I have any Galentine’s Day plans. Thank the lord I am saved! Hallelujah! Better get a second and third bottle of wine for my ladies.
28. Wow, just passed a couple legit screaming at each other. She was mad. I wonder what he did? So glad I don’t have to deal with that crap anymore.
29. Kicking back with my girlfriends, drinking wine and eating the creamiest brie I’ve ever had in my life. I’m so lucky to have the greatest friends a girl has ever known. And I know I get to go home to the entire bed to myself. This. Is. Bliss.
Images via shutterstock.com and giphy.com.
Comment: How do you do Valentine’s Day as a single girl?