Because if she’s making excuses, it’s not a green light to start getting undressed.
The Aziz Ansari debacle that kicked off 2018 sparked a storm of debate over what exactly classifies as ‘consent’, and what should be shrugged off as nothing more than ‘a bad date’.
Most worryingly, it highlighted the fact a lot of people seem to think unless a woman indignantly screams, “No! Stop right now, you jerk!” and storms out of the room, the poor old simpleton man she’s with apparently can’t be expected to read between the lines.
In fact, attacks on the unidentified woman at the center of the Ansari scandal, known only as ‘Grace’ in the now infamous Babe article, get pretty nasty, ranging from suggesting she’s destroyed all credibility the #MeToo movement had built, to asserting she’s essentially a jaded fame-whore who couldn’t handle the fact her fantasy celebrity romance turned out to be merely an awkward sexual encounter.
So we thought it practical for educational purposes, to clarify all the ways women make it clear they don’t want to have sex.
FYI: a paper by researchers Celia Kitzinger and Hannah Frith, Just Say No? The Use of Conversation Analysis In Developing A Feminist Perspective On Sexual Refusal actually proves that, in fact, both men and women readily interpret and understand non-explicit cues as indications of refusal, as we’ve been socially conditioned to soften the blow of a hard “No” with an “I’d love to, but I think I already have plans that night”. Rather, the paper suggests rape and sexual misconduct don’t happen as a result of miscommunication, but the perpetrator’s own willingness to find excuses to justify indulging their self-interests.
But just incase you were home-schooled in a cave, here are 32 times you definitely shouldn’t respond to your date or significant other by initiating sex…
1. “I’ve gotta get going, I have an early start tomorrow.”
2. “I’m not in the mood right now, how about tomorrow?”
3. “I want to take things at a slow pace, if that’s okay.”
4. “It’s getting late, I should head off soon.”
5. “Maybe next time.”
6. “I want to get to know you better first.”
7. “Can we slow things down?”
8. “Now isn’t a good time for me.”
9. “Let’s just kiss for now.”
10. “I’m really not comfortable doing this.”
11. “Can we stop and leave things here for the night?”
12. “I really have to get home, I have so much to do tonight. Maybe some other time?”
13. “I’m not really into that.”
14. “Is it okay if we leave our clothes on?”
15. “This is moving too fast for me.”
16. “I have a really bad headache, can we just leave it for tonight?”
17. “I’m honestly just too tired, maybe some other time.”
18. “I just got out of a relationship, and I’m not really ready just yet.”
19. “Can’t we just chill out for a bit?”
20. “I had a great time tonight, but I think I should go home now.”
21. “Sex is a really big deal for me, I don’t want to rush into this.”
22. “I don’t feel well right now.”
23. “Do you mind if we just talk for now?”
24. “This is all moving a bit fast.”
25. “I don’t feel comfortable with this, can we just hang out?”
26. “I’m not sure I’m ready to do this yet.”
27. “Let’s end the night on a high and leave things here.”
28. “How about we just cuddle?”
29. “Can you not touch me there? It makes me feel uncomfortable.”
30. “I really like you, but I’m not up for this right now.”
31. “If we do anything else, I know I’m going to regret it.”
32. “Is it okay if we just go to sleep tonight and snuggle instead?”
Images via shutterstock.com and thehunt.com.
Comment: Have you ever made excuses to get out of having sex without hurting someone’s feelings?