4 Epic Fails From The Bachelorette, Episode 2

Kerri Sackville

This shit isn’t even close to plausible.

Was it just me, or did everybody else notice the giant, glaring plot holes in last night’s Bachelorette Australia?

I’m all for suspending my disbelief, but come on Channel 10, this could literally never happen in real life.

Like, ever…

The worst date in the history of womankind

I'm trying to communicate with my eyes that I'm trapped.
I’m trying to communicate with my eyes that I hate you. I need you to leave immediately and let me have an actual date.

Okay, so we all know by now that Sam didn’t organise the SCG date. We know that because a) the producers organise all the dates, and b) no woman in her right mind would plan to stand around in a cold, empty field watching a man and some cricket dude play ball for a couple of hours.

That is hardly our idea of an ‘ideal date’. You know what is an ‘ideal date’? Something with cocktails. Nice food. Choccies. A bit more food. A rom com. And some more food. But dude-on-dude cricket? Please. That’s just one rung below ‘bikini wax’ on our list of ‘fun things to do’.

At least the hors d’oeuvres at the end looked alright…

Eight men and a cliff

Sorry, when do we get to the eating dinner part?
Sorry, when do we get to the eating dinner part?

Now, I’m all for outdoorsy, adventurous dates. (In theory, anyway. In practice I tend to prefer dinner and a movie.) But taking eight men to a remote location and asking them to don rented wetsuits and stand shivering for hours waiting to jump off a cliff into suss-looking water is not a date.

Like, it is not even remotely date-like.

It is pretty much unprecedented in the world of dating. I mean, I have been on many a date and not one man ever has asked me to take off my clothes and don a strange costume and… um…..

Okay. Bad example. Let me start again. Not one man has ever asked me to jump off a cliff. The whole thing was sadistic and distasteful and really quite odd. Having said that, though, I very much enjoyed the sight of all of those bare chests.

Sam being “intrigued” by Drew

"Intriguing" = adorably pathetic.
“Intriguing” = adorably pathetic.

Sam chose Drew the Mattress Salesman Sleep Technician for the prized ‘One-on-One’ time, claiming to be “intrigued” by him and impressed with his courage. But this was, in fact, just a pity date, bestowed on poor, tragic Drew after he was hauled off the cliff just seconds from complete mental collapse.

Heartbreakingly, Drew remained unaware of Sam’s true motives, fell instantaneously and hopelessly in love. But we realise, as he does not, that despite failing to make the jump, Drew has figuratively leapt to his romantic death.

Every single thing David the International Model says

This hand gesture is gangsta, no?
This hand gesture is gangsta, no?

David: “I don’t actually think I want the first date.”

Fact: David is so desperate for the first date his beady, malevolent International Model eyes are twitching and his lips are curling with desire.

David: “Neither of my parents could swim because they were both from Poland.”

Fact: Being Polish has no proven correlation with one’s capacity for water safety. I know this because my nana was Polish and she could totally do laps.

David: “This cap reflects the gangsta I have in me.”

Fact: David is the least gangsta person on this earth. Seriously. My Polish nana was more gangsta than David. I mean, the dude is a delicate, wispy-moustached model who weeps at the top of cliffs and is quite seriously intimidated by tattoos. If he is gangsta then I am a Sleep Technician. End of sentence.

David: “I’m actually reasonably happy not to receive a rose tonight.”

Fact: Oh please. He had to be dragged out the door.

MISSED LAST NIGHT’S BACHELORETTE? Check out 16 WTF moments from the show…


Images via tenplay.com.au