6 Thoughts Every Brazilian Waxer Has When You’re On Her Table

June 14, 2018
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She’s seen it all before. Really.

There are many, many better things most of us can think of doing instead of getting a Brazilian wax.

Reading a book, getting a fake tan, or falling into hot lava, perhaps? Let’s face it: no one smiles at the thought of having boiling wax slathered on their nether regions and painfully ripped off by a complete stranger. But if you prefer the feeling of being perfectly smooth down there, it’s a necessary evil of modern womanhood.

However, despite your concerns about how awkward it must be for your beautician to be that close to your vulva, or how strange your asymmetrical labia must look to her (spoiler alert: not that strange) you may be surprised to learn what’s actually going through her head when she’s doing her job down there – and that it has absolutely nothing to do with what your vagina looks like…

1. If only you’d showered

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Ask any beautician their greatest waxing pet peeve and they’ll readily tell you: failing to shower before your appointment. Imagine what your lady flower smells like after it’s been cooped up in sweaty panties all day. Then remove those panties, and fill a room with that odor, and you’ll have some idea what your waxer is thinking. To get on her good side, always make sure you’re clean and dry before a Brazilian wax. Moisturizers and body butters will be your BFF post-wax, but never beforehand. Feel free to use as many wet wipes to remove excess build-up before your appointment as you like. Your beautician won’t care if you use the whole box. Trust me.

2. So you’re surfing the crimson wave

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Periods are often painful, and can cause us a lot of grief, so getting wax ripped off any part of your body during that time of month is never ideal. As a general rule, beauticians have the right to refuse this type of service if you’re on your period. Not just because your skin is more tender during your period, and therefore at much greater risk of tearing (ouch), but also because no one wants to see your tampon fly across the room after the string gets caught in the wax. (Yes, it happens.)

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3. This is going to be annoying

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If you want to really annoy your waxer, show up with hair that’s way too long – or too short – to wax. Not only will it cost her extra time individually tweezing tiny, ungrabbable hairs or trimming back your overgrowth, it also makes the entire process considerably more drawn out and painful for you. To make the most of your wax, always ensure your hairs are roughly a quarter inch long (approximately three weeks between each wax).

4. If only you’d relax, I could do my job

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Sure, it can be difficult to achieve a zen state while someone you don’t know is placing hot wax onto your unmentionables. But squirming in anxiety is only going to make your beautician’s job more difficult. So lie back, take a few deep breaths, and engage in some small talk. Remember – she’s done this a million times, if not more, and she knows what she’s doing. You’re in good hands, so you can relax.

5. You just had sex

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Think about it: sex involves fluids. Some of those fluids can be secreted from you afterwards – for example, when you’re reclining back on a treatment bed and spreading your legs for a wax. It’s not a pleasant situation for anyone involved if your waxer has to see you’ve had a little roll in the hay pre-visit. Not only are bodily fluids and secretions obvious, but you don’t want open follicles to create a cozy nest for bacteria. So do your beautician a favor and leave the action for after your wax.

6. I wonder what I’ll have for lunch today

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It’s only natural to feel a bit self conscious, especially if it’s your first time getting waxed. But if you really think about it, we’re more alike than we are different – even if not all women look the same down there. Your beautician has seen so many different shapes, colors and sizes of vulva that the only thing she’s wondering when she’s holding your labia to one side is what she’ll order for lunch today.

Comment: What do you think your waxer is thinking while she’s giving you a Brazilian?

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