8 Reasons Why I Could Never Be A Music Festival Chick

November 22, 2015

Admit it, you’re not really there for the music.

I know many people whose dream it is to one day be part of Glastonbury, Tomorrowland, or Coachella. They downright get depressed when that time of the year comes around and their Instagram feeds are full of selfies from festival-goers, despite the fact they pretty much all look the same (read: half naked girl surrounded by lots of grass/sand/mud, toting a plastic cup and posing with her posse in front of a stage #timeofmylife).

“I can’t believe I am not at this festival. I would give anything to be there right now” is a sentence I’ve heard one too many times. Really? You’d give anything to be surrounded by thousands of smelly people without a shower in sight only to watch a semi-famous band play a few songs? I just don’t get it. Here’s why I could never be a festival chick:

1. Overpriced drinks

You want how much for that beer? I’m sorry, but I refuse to pay $12 for a tiny plastic cup of fermented sugar which will probably be spilled by some idiot bumping into me anyway. Not to mention the fact that I’d have to line up for an hour.

 2. The heat/cold/rain

One of music festival’s biggest flaws is the fact that they’re outside. Honestly, how many times have you been at an outdoor event and the weather was neither too hot nor too cold? That’s right, never! And don’t even get me started on the pleasure of getting drenched in rain and mud. No, thank you, I prefer to be dry and clean.

 3. Selfie overload

The amount of girls standing with their backs facing the stage while making a pouty face hoping they look like Kylie Jenner at Coachella is way too high. You’re supposed to watch the performers, not yourself.

 4. The dress code

Don’t be fooled thinking that you can wear whatever you want to a music festival, oh no, the only acceptable outfit for a festival-female consits of shorts that could classify as a belt, a crop top that could classify as a bra, and of course tons of hippie-esque accessories including but not limited to a politically incorrect Indian headdresses.

 5. Portaloos

No explanation needed. The smell will haunt you forever.

 6. PDAs

Surprisingly many festival goers seem to be more than willing to spend their hard earned cash on the expensive alcohol (and drugs) which typically results in lowered standards and heightened horniness. Get a room! Or a tent at least.

 7. The music

Be honest, you might know two of the 25 bands that play at the festival and even though you Googled a few of the others to say things like, “I can’t wait for *insert stupid sounding name* to play my fave song”, you really spend 90 per cent of the time pretending to know and like the music that’s on.

 8. Sleeping in tents

If you think the nights at music festivals involve sleeping under a starry sky in front of a bonfire while listening to the sound of cicadas, you will be disappointed. It’s tiny tents in the freezing cold while listening to the sound of drunk people throwing up. That’s if your tent its still standing at the end of the day. The opposite of romance.


Images via giphy.com

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