Because sex isn’t all fun and games.
Sex can be a lot of things: pleasurable, sensational, dreamy, naughty, passionate, soothing, soulful, tantric, steamy, tasty…
It can also be the most horrific thing you’ve experienced between your legs, and can often leave you wondering what else you could have done in that 20 minutes (sometimes putting a load of washing on would have been more satisfying).
Although I have never had to fake an orgasm (don’t hate me), my sexcapades have come with more ups and downs than The Incredible Hulk Coaster at Universal’s Islands of Adventure. Here, a no-holds-barred account of some of the trials and tribulations of my sex life – don’t tell me you can’t relate…
1. Three in the bed and the little one said…
Dear Experimental Straight Couple,
That night was fun and all, but the next time you handcuff someone to the bed to have your way with them throughout the night, be kind and pop them in fluffy cuffs – the metal ones hurt.
2. It was dirty – and not in the good way
Dear Cheap Chap,
Just because we worked at a fast-food restaurant didn’t mean we had to have sex in the filthy staff toilets. I wish someone had told me this when I was a horny 15 year-old – but, actually, I doubt I would have listened.
3. Gay, straight – it’s all the same… right?
Dr Mr Clearly Homosexual,
I started dating you because I felt bad your family was adamant you were gay, and you were adamant you weren’t. I learnt a lot of things from you, but the one that sticks with me is if you give a guy a blowjob in his car and he doesn’t reciprocate, he’s probably not the kind of guy you want to be with.
4. The old sex injury is playing up
Dr Mr Overeager,
If you had any idea where everything went, perhaps you would have known your, ahem, specimen did not belong in my eye. I spent days afterwards trying to convince everyone – even my doctor – that I had conjunctivitis. He was adamant it wasn’t and that something foreign had entered my cavity… He was right.
5. Imagine if I’d have said yes
Dear Mr So Wrong For Me (or were you?),
Everybody told me to get rid of you. You were moody, dysfunctional and lacking any real personality, but you were incredible in bed; even your sister walking in on us didn’t ruin the mood. After an on-again-off-again relationship of four-and-a-half years, you told me you didn’t want to just be fuck buddies (as I’d suggested after one of our last breakups). Instead you proposed to me and I turned you down. Every now and then I wonder what life would’ve been like if I’d said yes…
6. Chocolate doesn’t always set the mood
Dear Mr Gagworthy,
I agree – it was a mistake to have you wear a chocolate-scented condom the first night we slept together. Who knew the overpowering smell would make you throw up?
7. …and neither do candles
Dear Mr Burning Loins,
I could have killed you for burning my loins! Note to self: hot candle wax burns – and it’s almost impossible to remove without taking some skin off with it.
8. There’s no such thing as ‘too much sex’
Dear Mr Perfect,
We used to bonk like bunnies – remember how many times we skipped class to get our jig on, snack on McDonald’s and then watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show? It was the perfect ritual. I wish I’d cherished those moments more; now that they’re gone and life has become even busier, I know you feel the void as much as I do.
Images via favim.com and giphy.com.
Comment: What has bad sex taught you about life?