These things are a total mood kill.
There’s one thing I can’t stand in the bedroom, and that’s fake food. You know the kind – “chocolate” massage lotion that tastes nothing like the divine treat, and edible underwear made with stale candy that is so old it’s sure to send you to the ER.
I’m ready to take a stand right now and say the only fake things that should be in the sack are fake boobs – those things are a real turn-on. If you want to lick chocolate off your SO, use real syrup. Heck – bake an orgasmically delish chocolate lava cake and go to town! And forget underwear altogether – we all know that’s the first thing to be flung off anyway. Who’s with me?
Actually, come to think of it, there are quite a few things that should be banned in the bedroom. Here are seven more…
1. Mood music
What a cliche! Unless you’ve put it on ironically to make us burst into laughter and take our mind completely off doing you because we’re seriously embarrassed for you, leave the Miles Davis, Chris Isaak and Barry White records outside the door. Actually, just throw them away.
2. Baby talk
We get that you’re doing it because you think we’re adorable, and that’s sweet and all, but seriously, if we wanted to be getting down with a baby, well, we should be in prison. Yuck, even alluding to it should be a crime! #banthebabytalk IMMEDIATELY.
Yes, I know this one is going to get me in trouble from so many medical authorities, but hear me out. If you’re in a secure, trusting relationship and neither of you have STIs, sex without a condom firstly feels awesome, but it’s also better for mental health.
Researchers from the State University of New York, and psychologist Steven Platek of the University of Liverpool, found women who had sex and “never” used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than women who “usually” or “always” used them. They linked this to the fact semen includes “mind-altering” drugs like mood-elevating oxytocin.
4. Kitchen utensils
You cook with that stuff, guys! I don’t want to be whipping up a batch of post-coitus pancakes the next morning only to remember mid-flip that the spatula spent several hours swatting my ass the night before. I’m all for kink in the bedroom, but that’s what sex toys are for.
5. Family photos
No, we don’t want your mother, sister, niece, nephew or dead grandparent watching us while we do the nasty. That doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate someone who keeps precious moments framed, just ideally frame them somewhere else, like literally anywhere else than your bedside tables. Nothing says mood kill more than eyeballing a pic of your parents mid-thrust.
They totally set the romantic mood, but doesn’t anybody else get super sleepy after sex? The last thing we need is to be woken up by an actual flaming ring. Sure, being naked in a hot fireman’s arms is appealing, but you could also die.
We’re all here for the same reason: to get our rocks off. So let’s focus on the incredibly sexy things about the person we’re with, and for the next 20 (10?) minutes forget about their annoying parts (we all have them). Don’t worry – they’ll still be there when you hop off.
Images via tumblr.com and giphy.com.
Comment: What would you love to put on the banned list?