I’ve been single for the past few months. What do I mean by single? Well, let’s just say that although I’ve been on several dates, the action I’ve gotten in the bedroom has been non-existent.
But rather than desperately contacting someone on Tinder, I decided to flick through my phone to see if there was someone I already knew… someone I could call on in such times of need.
Looking through my phone at the potential bedroom buddies, I found myself mentally screaming “No!” as I remembered everything they did in bed that I just couldn’t stand.
Men who are amazing in bed and tick every box are few and far between. It got me thinking about all the things I wish men would stop doing in the bedroom…
1. Talking about their exes
If I wanted to know that when you jack-hammered your ex it made her orgasm five times, I would have asked. Me giving you honest feedback about what I do and don’t like in the bedroom shouldn’t be seen as an attack that you have to defend – and FYI, she was probably faking it.
2. Fingering us like they lost something in the dark
There have been many times when I’ve compared finger action to a pelvic exam. I don’t understand why some men prod around in there like they’re fumbling around for a lost candy bar between couch cushions.
3. Wanting to get straight down to business
It’s always the men who are hung like a horse who think that just the mere site of their pelvic region will be enough for you to be ready to go. And anyway, I think foreplay is the best part of having sex.
4. Talking dirty like we’re in a bad porno
There’s a fine line between dirty talk that turns you the hell on and dirty talk you hear in a bad porno. Some guys are really serious about this stuff, but I’m telling you right now: if you say “Give it to me, baby”, I will laugh at you.
5. Acting like they hired you for the hour
Sex is give and take. I’ve been lucky enough to be with men who always make sure I’m enjoying myself, but there’s a portion of men who’ve considered my body as a tool that should pleasure them. They don’t care if they’re hurting me or if I’m not enjoying it – they only care about themselves. If I wanted to be self-centered, I would have stayed at home with my vibrator.
6. Sucking our parts
I’m unsure where men learned that sucking and pulling is a totally orgasmic experience. I have cringe-worthy memories of a guy who wouldn’t listen when I told him to stop sucking and pulling my precious lady parts. Note to all the boys out there: we’re already self-conscious about our bits – we don’t need to worry about you stretching them down to our knees.
7. Attacking our clit
Please stop taking your frustrations out on my clitoris. Granted, some women like it a little rougher than others, but it’s still a sensitive area that needs to be gently warmed up for action. Why do some men insist on licking their finger and rubbing so vigorously it’s like they’re trying to get a stain out?
8. Assuming we’ve orgasmed because he has
We’ve all been with a guy and two minutes later we’re left wondering what just happened while he’s blissfully passed out beside you. We don’t have an inbuilt system that syncs our orgasm with a man’s. And trust us, you’ll definitely know when it happens.
GIFs via giphy.com, imgur.com and tumblr.com.
Comment: What’s your biggest turn-off?
Peta Serras is a model and SHESAID’s dating expert who’s willing to go on as many bad Tinder dates as she needs to in order to find the perfect guy. In her spare time she loves drinking coffee, eating almond croissants and spending lots of money. Follow Peta on Twitter and Facebook.