My, oh my…
I tripped over on the way there and it hurt.
I don’t know why that seems like such an important detail but it definitely is. I rolled my ankle while walking alone to a sex class at 7 pm on a Friday night and as I sat for a moment trying to work out whether or not my ankle was maybe broken I thought, “No. I shan’t be going. I just fell over in public and this is certainly an omen.”
I realized that if someone helped me up (which they didn’t) and said, “Hey, can I help you, where are you off to?” I’d have to say, “Oh, just to an adult sex class on erotic massage… can’t be late or I’ll miss the live demonstration! CIAO.”
But my ankle wasn’t broken, so I walked until I hit a red door and buzzed. They unlocked the door, but I mustn’t have pushed it hard enough so it locked again and I had to re-buzz and say, “Haha whoops! Didn’t work,” while muttering under my breath, “why am I like this“.
After three turns I was in, and I’d likely already pissed off the woman in charge of opening the door. I was feeling very sexy.
I was handed a glass of champagne and led into a dimly lit room, with a screen at the front and about 20 adults.
You know the funny thing about the number 20?
It’s even. Meaning there were 10 couples. And Jessie.
I looked around as discreetly as I could to get a vibe for what sort of person goes to a Friday night sex class. They were extremely normal. Most were probably between 30 and 55, although there was one couple that couldn’t have been older than about 22. I wondered “If they were getting into live demos of erotic massage now, where would their sex life be at 50?”
But, no. I couldn’t get distracted. I had to concentrate on the very important slideshow about the history of erotic massage. There were pictures and the woman presenting had a laser pointer that didn’t really work, but that’s okay.
The women in the room were very enthusiastic and had lots of questions, whereas some of the men seemed like maybe they weren’t told where they were going tonight and were now being instructed on how to adequately pleasure their wives when they thought they’d been doing just fine.
They had not been doing just fine.
Just when I was getting into Japanese history, the subject changed to what massage oil you should use, and I learned that almost all of them interfere with the natural pH of the vagina and therefore cause thrush. And you know what’s not sexy? An itchy vag.
We were advised to use natural or organic oils so that when your partner gets up in your grill, you don’t get all yeasty.
I felt very grateful for the heads up and wrote down in my notebook: “Don’t get thrush”.
When the slideshow ended, we were led into another room that had a massage table. I sat down at the first spot available, and the woman next to me said, “You’ve got the best seat in the house.” I didn’t know what she meant until I looked up and saw a vagina.
In approximately 14 seconds, the helpful woman – let’s call her Jen – who had presented the slideshow was completely naked and splayed on a massage table.
Everyone acted as though this was both normal and informative, and furrowed their brows to indicate their curiosity.
That’s when the man – let’s call him Jack – began his demonstration.
He oiled up his hand, with oil from a burning soy candle, and began on her upper back. As he stroked her, the woman next to me began moaning, and Jack turned around and said, “I’m not sure which one of you that is, but somebody is enjoying themselves!”
Now, everyone thought the only single girl in the room couldn’t control her pleasure noises and I wanted to die.
He then moved onto the bum and said that there were only two rules of erotic massage.
One was never to spread the butt cheeks. It makes people feel uncomfortable (true) and not that sexy.
I forget the second rule because I was nodding so profusely about the first.
Jack explained the importance of teasing, and demonstrated gently touching her labia, and then distracting her by massaging her ankle. She seemed annoyed, and the moaner next to me audibly tutted.
Oh. But it was question time.
A quiet woman who looked to be in her early thirties asked, and I quote, “But do you stick a finger in?”
Jack seemed unphased and replied, “Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, it depends really. But I do rub around the area like so…” and then began rubbing her vagina more explicitly than before.
The woman seemed very disappointed that he did not stick a finger in.
Jen then rolled over onto her back, and he began to massage her front, mostly her boobs. And her nipples.
The moaner was back and louder than ever. Her husband looked at her with disappointment and shame.
Jack went back to her lady parts and rubbed around the area, and… Goodness, I remember the other rule.
It was to always have a hand on your partner at all times because erotic massage is all about connection, and also if you have them blindfolded, then they will begin to think you’ve left and are not coming back.
But Jack poured more oil in his hands and rubbed them together meaning he broke his own rule and one woman down the back was not having it.
“Excuse me,” she said. “One hand on her at all times!”
Everyone laughed, even Jack, but you could see he was a little bit thinking, “do you want to run the erotic massage class? Huh?”
Jen didn’t have an orgasm, but I’m fairly certain the woman next to me did.
When it was all over, we went into the first room again and were given a plastic bag full of white powder that apparently you mix with water and it makes great massage lube. I knew if I got caught with that on the way home I was going to prison.
Jack thanked us all for coming, and explained that the next month is blow jobs and cock massages. I immediately canceled all my plans. He also said they were having a party afterward – like a sexy swingers party – and everyone was welcome to come if they hired a locker and a towel and, yes, everyone was keen.
I left as it was 8:30 pm and I was very hungry and watched as a couple had a little bit of a fight on the way out about whether to do the sex party or have dinner because they hadn’t eaten.
It was a snapshot of exactly how I imagine marriage after a few years.
I smiled at them and wondered if I’d see them again at blow jobs and cock massages next month.
If you liked this story, read more like it on mamamia.com.au:
Suburban Mums Tell The Truth About Exactly How Much Sex They’re Having
How A Four-Handed Erotic Massage With A Happy Ending Helped Me Get Over My Break Up
Deep Inside A Bodysex Workshop With Betty Dodson