Ask Kathy B

August 3, 2004

Ask Kathy B

Question: ?I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 3 years, and we’ve been living together for 2.5 years. He is a good man (we are both 24 years old), very nice, polite, tender, loving and caring. He is loves me very much and (without any fake modesty) I am his vision of the ideal girlfriend. He is the type of man I always wanted to be with, to get married to. We planned to get married in 3 years. The problem is that recently I went to my friends’ wedding and I cheated on him. I didn’t feel guilty and that surprised me, since I love him. I started to think intensively what is wrong with our relationship – after all everybody says you cheat when something’s wrong. I think in our case the thing that’s wrong is sex. For a while now, I don’t feel sexually attracted to him. Our sex life is a routine and I don’t have the will to change it. He feels that too, but sometimes he blames me, my lack of will that ruins his lack of will to change something. I don’t feel aroused when we kiss, which I used to. I am not sure what to do. Should I leave him? He is right for me in any other way, except this, and I know that sex is a vital part of any marriage. What should I do? I can’t go through life cheating on him? How can I be sexually attracted to him again? Do you have any advice how to improve our sex life?? 
Kathy B: Only you truly know whether this guy is really best friend material or if he?s the man you should marry who?ll still make your heart skip a beat in thirty years. You may already know the answer but you just aren?t ready to face it. Just don?t hang onto him until you find someone better. If he really isn?t the one for you then be cruel to be kind. Let him go and give him a chance to find someone who will love him body and soul. He deserves that at the very least and you deserve to be in a monogamous relationship when you are ready for it, with someone who is right for you in the bedroom and out of it. It sounds like you would like to take some time out to do some exploring outside of the relationship but obviously that isn?t fair on your fianc?. You are young to be committed so perhaps he is the right guy but this just isn?t the right time for you to be in a serious relationship. If your sexual interest has waned years before your planned wedding then you need to take a serious look at your relationship. First of all if you did use a condom with the guy you cheated with, then it is up to you whether you confess or not, if you didn?t then you should come clean or at the very least be tested for STDs and use protection with your boyfriend until you are given the all clear. Having said that if you think there?s any chance of spicing things up with your partner in the bedroom then give that a try (he sounds like he has a lot of great qualities so if you can work on your intimacy issues he?s definitely worth hanging onto). You say that you both blame each other for your boring sex life – why not turn that around and both decide to take responsibility for spicing things up? If you?re both into it why not try a fun visit to a sex shop? What are your sexual fantasies? Try talking about them first and consider trying them out, just for fun. It is normal for that initial sexual excitement to wane after being together for a while but with the two of you was it ever there in the first place? 
Page 2: Ask Kathy B: How to keep in touch with old mates? 
Page 3: Ask Kathy B: How to get over him?

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