Ask Kathy B: Couple security

September 21, 2004

Ask Kathy B: Couple security

Question:Hi Kathy B,
I’m in a dilemma. I’m 19-years-old and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1 and a half years. Recently I’ve found myself falling for other men and pulling away from my boyfriend. I’m just not sexually attracted to him anymore. I know that things aren’t ever the same as they are in the beginning, but I just don’t have the desire to be with him as much. I broke up with him for a week, but felt too bad so we got back together. But now I’m really not sure and I don’t know what to do. I would really love some advice…

Kathy B:
Dear Torn,
It sounds very much like you enjoy the security that being one half of a couple brings but you aren?t in a position to follow through with physical and emotional intimacy anymore. That isn?t really fair on you or your boyfriend. It may be that you are with the wrong guy or you just aren?t ready for a committed relationship. After all unless you meet your soul mate early on most of us kiss a lot of frogs and have a lot of fun along the way, before we happily settle into a long-term relationship. As long as you have a good attitude that process can actually be a great learning curve ? it is all about finding out about what type of person you?d like to be and be with. You may get hurt a little, be a little confused and a little lonely at times but it will give you a fantastic opportunity to learn an enormous amount about yourself and eventually be ready to meet Mr. Right. It will also give you some time and space to develop other aspects of yourself ? your career, hobbies and other relationships with friends and family.

It is true that all relationships go through their peaks and valleys but at 19 and having been together for less than two years, if the spark has completely gone already it is probably time to wish each other well and move on. It might be a case of ?I love you but I?m not in love with you?. Try enjoy living the single life for a while ? get together a bunch of good fun friends ? girls and guys, try doing something different and hanging out with a new group ? but avoid getting into a committed relationship for a while (unless of course your soul mate appears unexpectedly!). There?s still room for you to date casually ? as long as the guys know that you are dating around and you are protecting yourself, you can have as much fun as you like. There?s time enough for making compromises in your mid twenties and beyond. For the moment, try out the single life for a while and have fun!

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