Ask Kathy B: Does he still love his old flame? (con’t)

June 21, 2005

Ask Kathy B: Does he still love his old flame? (con’t)
Answer: You poor thing. You’ve certainly been through the wringer lately! Here you were thinking that you finally found a wonderful man who didn’t think commitment was a dirty word. Then you happened across his cyber-romance with an old flame and your world instantly went KABOOM! If you truly do love him the good news is that he didn’t turn around and say, “I love her, not you, goodbye!” when he was confronted. The bad news is that this has been going on for over six months and despite his assurances you’re still feeling very insecure, unloved and unhappy. By the sounds of it you are also turning into the kind of insecure mess you swore you’d never be (cut yourself a break, it can happen to the best of us!).

Even though he’s hurt you deeply and betrayed your trust unfortunately I have to say there’s no excuse for you invading his privacy. If he feels you’re tracking his every move then it is only a matter of time before the relationship will completely break down regardless of his feelings for his ‘first love’. If you are confused about his true feelings or worried about something you should be able to be upfront and talk to him about it. If you feel like you aren’t communicating or getting to the real issues here then I’d recommend you seriously consider at least trying a few sessions with a couples counsellor. Try speaking to someone at the Australian Psychological Society Referral Service who can recommend someone good in your area – visit, email or call 1800 333 497.

If this situation has been dragging on for this long and neither of you have achieved resolution then I doubt it will just sort itself out and the upshot is that you may lose a good relationship. The other thing to consider is that it isn’t just isn’t meant to be for the two of you then wouldn’t you prefer to know that now, rather than in two years or even worse ten years time?

Okay, so admittedly it is rubbish that these two both had partners and were still writing each other mushy love emails. But my gut feeling is that the two of them were mainly indulging their fantasy, not the cold reality, of their ‘first love’. Frankly if it really was all that earth crushingly amazing, she probably would have broken it off with her fianc? and your boyfriend would be long gone. You do however need to deal with the lack of trust in your relationship and see if it is going to be possible to move onwards and upwards together. Just don’t lose yourself to insecurity and paranoia. Remember that your self worth and confidence is paramount and much more important than any romantic relationship, even if he is a great guy who had a bad lapse in judgement. Perhaps consider visiting a counsellor for a few sessions on your own so you are clear about what the issues are and what you need to do to resolve them. Then make it an issue for you as a couple to deal with and quickly. If he isn’t willing to do whatever it is you need to do to trust him again then unfortunately there’s your answer. If he is, then that should tell you a lot about where his true intentions for the future lie… with you.

If you want Kathy B to answer your relationship dilemmas, email with your question.

Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette, Happy Endings: The Ultimate Movie and Book Guide for Women and Quit for Chicks. Charm School offers fun but helpful advice on why manners are sexy and how to use them to create the life you?ve always dreamed of. It deals with difficult love, social and work situations like how to ace an interview, help a friend through a difficult break-up, keep your hairdresser faithful and how to not fall in love with gorgeous gay men. Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Happy Endings is the ultimate book and movie guide for every possible situation you could face ? it will become your well-thumbed companion through life?s ups and downs. RRP $26.95 but only $24.26 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Quit for Chicks is a how to quit smoking support guide for women, with a foreword from supermodel Sarah O?Hare, Penguin, RRP $9.95 but only $8.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

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