Ask Kathy B: How do I get over my first love?

November 9, 2004

Ask Kathy B: How do I get over my first love?
Question: Hi Kathy B, My boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a few weeks when things started to go downhill. He suggested taking a break to take the pressure off but then changed his mind after we spent a great day and night together just watching movies and having fun (not physically, just genuine friendly fun) Then we went a while without getting to see each other so he decided to break it off. I agreed with him so it wouldn’t be hard on him, though I told him if it was my choice things would be different. It’s been almost 3 weeks since we broke up, and I think about it pretty much every day. Sometimes I feel like I?m just starting to make progress and getting one step ahead in the “getting-over-the-ex” department but then something stupid reminds me of how things used to be and I feel horrible all over again. Plus, now, a friend of mine who I started just recently to have some feelings for, admitted to really having feelings for me. I obviously do not want to pursue anything yet since I’m definitely not over my ex, and he knows this, I even talked to my ex about it because he asked how my love life was going. He also told me he wouldn’t want to get back together anytime soon, but he’s not sure about the future. His advice to me was to get on with my life like he has been doing and see what happens. For some reason I’m having a hard time; I don’t want to hold my breath and hope that we’ll get back together if there’s no chance of it, but on the other hand, I don’t want to give up hope and get over it if there IS a chance of it happening, since he was my first love and all. And now these new feelings for my friend, I’m so mixed up! pleaaaase help me before my head explodes!!! Thank you so much!

Kathy B: I?m so glad that you?ve experiences the flushes of first love. It sounds like you had a great ride but its time for you to accept that he moved on long ago and it is now finally time for you to really move on. If he?s leading you on by saying things like that he?s not sure about the future what he?s really saying is that it is over and there?s no chance of you ever being boyfriend and girlfriend again but he doesn?t want to really hurt your feelings by saying that (to your face anyway). Dust yourself off. Delete his number from your mobile and his email from your inbox. Gather all the things you have around you that remind you of him ? from his pictures in your bedroom to the secret mementoes you kept from dates and either pack them away safely in a shoe box (not to be opened for years when you are truly are over him) or burn them. It sounds like you have a lovely guy who is ready and waiting for you. But you are right to take some time out to get over this relationship. First loves are tough to get over but you can do it. Get really busy ? go out for a walk whenever you feel the urge to contact your ex and organise some fun group events (but do not invite your ex under any circumstances). You have feelings for him, which won?t go away in a week or two so it is probably best that you give yourself a break from seeing him for a while. When you do next see him be friendly but don?t refer to the ?relationship? otherwise he?ll start to complain about how you just don?t seem to be able to live without him. How embarrassing, right? Keep your chin up, get out there and have some group fun with girl and guy friends and before you know it you might just be ready to take your lovely friend who is waiting patiently in the wings up on his offer of a date or two. It know it is tough when you remember all of those special moments you once shared with a first love but it is almost a new year and it sounds like its time for a new you too. Get ready to wipe the slate clean and make room for another great guy in your life.

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Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette and Quit for Chicks. Charm School offers fun but helpful advice on why manners are sexy and how to use them to create the life you?ve always dreamed of. It deals with difficult love, social and work situations like how to ace an interview, help a friend through a difficult break-up, handle cheating flat mates, keep your hairdresser faithful and how to not fall in love with gorgeous gay men. Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

Quit for Chicks is a how to quit smoking support guide for women, with a foreword from supermodel Sarah O?Hare, Penguin, RRP $9.95 but only $8.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

If you want Kathy B to answer your relationship dilemmas, email with your question.

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