Ask Kim: Is He Just Not That Into Me?

December 18, 2015

SHESAID resident psychologist Kim Chartres answers your most awkward and confronting questions.

Dear Kim,

I’ve gone on a few dates with a guy I met online who I really like, but I’m not sure if he feels the same. I’ve arranged all three dates we’ve had so far and he cancelled on me twice for one of them before finally coming along. He never texts me in between dates either. However he works long hours in a really high stress corporate job, so it seems reasonable maybe he’s just been too busy to be more involved.

Part of me feels I’m fooling myself and accepting substandard treatment because I like him so much, and the other part thinks I shouldn’t be so hard on him. It’s only been three dates and he’s a busy guy, so why would be be texting me regularly? Am I going crazy, or is he just not that into me?



Dear Infatuated,

Let me begin by saying good on you for trying out online dating to meet someone. It can be pretty nerve-wracking stuff. For starters, people put up dating profiles for a variety of purposes beyond meeting their life partner, and their reason will often dictate what sort of interaction they share with fellow daters.

The first category of online daters are the serious souls in search of a committed relationship. The second are the casual daters looking for fun, friendship and nothing serious. If love just happens to come along, great, but this lot aren’t getting their hopes up. Thirdly, you have the players, and I don’t think I need to explain what they’re after. And finally, there’s the group who have a dating profile to appease someone else. They really aren’t interested in finding a relationship because they’re happy with their life. Yet because their mother wants grandchildren or their best friend nagged them to try it out, they got online to get others off their back.

By the sounds of it, you’re in the first category and I’m guessing you’d really like to meet someone special and live happily ever after. While there are plenty of men online who are after the exact same thing, finding one can be a little tricky. Of the men I’ve known who’ve tried online dating and have been seriously looking for their lady love, they are generally shy, find it difficult to initiate conversations or carry on small chat, and often get ignored in the online dating world because they can’t compete with more confident men.

Obviously not all men on dating sites who are looking for a serious relationship fit this mold, but there are certainly quite a few who do, and despite being amazing people who’d treat their lady like a goddess, most find online dating a real challenge.

It may be possible the man you’ve met fits into this category. This would explain the absence of texting between dates and possibly why he found it difficult to meet face to face. However, traditionally men are hunters and if they really want to capture you, they’ll go out of their way to do it.

Quite possibly he fits into another category. Clearly he’s not a player or he wouldn’t have cancelled your date, so lucky for you, I’d strike this one out. This leaves the other two possibilities; the casual dater and the appeaser. If he’s either of these, I’m sorry dear Infatuated, but it could well be he’s just not that into you. If he was, there’d be no stopping him. Even a shy man lacking in confidence will build up the courage to make a move when he’s truly into you.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but by the sounds of it, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and I don’t think you’re being too hard on him at all. When a man is really into you, trust me, you’ll know. There’s no reason to accept substandard treatment because there are plenty of good men out there who would treat you better.

My advice to you, is wait until he contacts you again, and let him do the chasing. I also want to advise you to be very careful and have a think good about how you want to move forward. You’ve only had three dates and liking him so much suggests you really want a relationship and you’re vulnerable. Therefore I’m afraid you’ll settle for less than you deserve when you don’t have to.

So my dear Infatuated, please be mindful of how you want to be treated and never settle for less. In the meantime, just be patient, because there are some wonderful men out there, and until you find the one who will love you intently, unconditionally and passionately, you’ll simply be wasting your time and continuously get your heart broken. When a guy who’s truly into you comes along, he’ll let you know about it.

Got a relationship dilemma or serious life issue you’re not sure how to deal with? Send your questions to Kim at ask-kim@shesaid.com.


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