Ask Nadia: Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Want Sex?

October 15, 2019

SHESAID’s resident sexpert answers your stickiest sex questions every week.

Dear Nadia,

I am usually the one in my relationship who wants sex more than my boyfriend does. 

This is really making me doubt his attraction to me. Aren’t men supposed to pretty much always want sex?

Sincerely,

Worried

Dear Worried,

It’s actually a huge – and very problematic myth – that men always want sex. 

Just like women, men also experience fluctuations in their libido due to a whole variety of influencing factors, like medication, stress, illness and diet.

Your partner not constantly trying to jump your bones shouldn’t be viewed in isolation as a sign he is not attracted to you.

Does he still express he loves you and finds you desirable through his words? What about other physical contact, like cuddling, holding hands and kissing?  Does he still make time for you and prioritize you? All these things need to be taken into consideration wholistically.

Also, I think it’s important to acknowledge the fact your situation is far more common than you may realize.

According to a 2017 survey conducted by Voucher Codes Pro into the rise in online searches for lingerie and adult toy discounts, almost 60 percent of women say they want sex more than their male partners, and current research shows married women nearly outnumber married men when it comes to cheating. We’re also more likely to strike up an affair purely for sex.

In her best-selling book, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong author Wednesday Martin suggests women are actually less suited to sexual monogamy than men. 

“We have evolved appetites and urges that were once highly adaptive… Promiscuity was a smart reproductive strategy, a way for a female early hominin or human to increase the likelihood of getting high-quality sperm,” Martin writes.

“We were taught that men were the ones who needed variety, but the exact opposite turns out to be the case. Overfamiliarisation with a partner and desexualization kills women’s libido,” emphasizes Martin.

It may also explain why young women are nearly twice as likely to visit a BDSM dungeon than their male counterparts, and why women now dominate the sex toy market. Because, if anything, it’s likely to be the wife who’s secretly craving more sexual frequency and novelty, while, chances are her husband’s pretty happy keeping the status quo.

All of which is not to dish on men. If anything, it should give you permission to go a little gentler on your boyfriend next time he’s not up for it. Because, in spite of what popular culture might have us believe, men aren’t sexually insatiable. 

Most importantly though, talk!

It’s great you felt confident enough to share this with me, but the person who needs to hear it most is your partner. Sex in relationships is often a negotiating act. Work out a compromise in terms of a frequency you could both be happy with. And also remember, there’s no such thing as a relationship of perfectly matched libidos!

Nadia xx

Check out Ask Nadia every Wednesday. 

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Join the discussion: Do you and your partner have mismatched sex drives? 

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