Ask Nadia: My Boyfriend Is A Selfish, Boring Lover. What Do I Do?

July 16, 2019

SHESAID’s resident sexpert tackles your stickiest sex questions every week.

Dear Nadia,

I am really struggling with my boyfriend of four years in the bedroom. I’ve realized he is quite a selfish lover and I have to tell him what I want and how I want it ALL THE TIME.

There is no pizzaz. It’s not hot and heavy like it used to be. Help! How do I get him to want to turn me on? Or is this just how he is?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

What you’re experiencing is not unusual or unique in any way. It’s incredibly common for sex to slow down and become a little – dare I say it – boring, once we’ve been with someone for a few years. That’s one of the many reasons monogamy is so damn difficult!

That said, your relationship needn’t be over (if you don’t want it to be) if you’re willing to work on this issue, and your partner’s willing to come to the table, too.

People often come to me looking for a quick fix; some magical bedroom technique or sexual trick that will change everything, but the reality is, no such technique exists. In fact, you can study every sexual technique there is and still have terribly unsatisfying sex if you don’t do this one boring, and difficult thing: communicate.

Clear, ongoing communication is the key to satisfying sex. Not trying sex toys, reenacting the Kama Sutra, or bringing out the whips and latex suits (though those things can certainly be a lot of fun!). 

I know it sounds a lot less enticing than the above activities, but it’s the truth, and I want you to re-read this a couple of times over if you need to: your partner is not a mind-reader.

In fact, no one is. See, we’ve been sold this lie about love, and it goes a little something like this: When you meet ‘the one’ – that perfect person who’ll complete you in every way – they’ll understand you like no one else ever has. They’ll just ‘get’ you; emotionally, intellectually and sexually.

The less idyllic reality is, no one, regardless of how much we love them, or they love us, will ever truly understand us. 

It’s not your partner’s job to read your mind. You need to fill in the blanks for him, in as much detail as possible. 

I know that might not have been the answer you were hoping for because it involves a lot more effort on your part, but the truth is, long-term sexually monogamous relationships are hard work.

If you believe your partner is worth fighting for, then fight for the kind of sex you want (and deserve, by the way). Make a time to sit down with him when you’re both in a calm, relaxed space, and let him know what you need. Maybe that’s more foreplay, or more time spent passionately kissing before getting naked – those are two of the most common activities to fall by the wayside when couples have been together for a long time, and they can make a dramatic difference to the quality of the sex itself.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but my guess is that his not pleasing you is less to do with him being a selfish lover and more to do with him not knowing what you want, and so instead, he’s trying to guess his way through it (albeit unsuccessfully). 

It’s important to remember no one ever tells men about female sexual pleasure – the clitoris isn’t even acknowledged in sex ed. While we learn boys have erections and wet dreams, we’re taught girls have periods and unwanted pregnancies. The female body is basically depicted as asexual.

Most men therefore, are left to look to porn to figure out how to please their female partners. Unfortunately, while very hot to watch, porn is a terrible teacher when it comes to sex. It teaches men that women have near-instant orgasms when a penis penetrates them and that we don’t actually require any clitoral stimulation to get off.

So cut your guy some slack, have an honest (but kind) chat with him, and then take on the role of his new, much more skilled, sexy teacher. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it!

Nadia xx

Check out Ask Nadia every Wednesday. 

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