Ask Nadia: My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore

September 11, 2019

SHESAID’s resident sexpert answers your stickiest sex questions every week.

Dear Nadia, 

My partner isn’t very interested in having sex. She says she has a pretty much non-existent libido. We didn’t have sex heaps as it was (maybe once a month) but then since she had our first child in March 2018, we have probably had sex only eight to 10 times.

We tried to commit to at least having sex fortnightly this year as a sort of New Year’s resolution, but it’s already September and we have only had sex about five times.

I love her and would do literally anything for or to her if she asked me to, but there is no success. I try not to mention it too often because I feel pushy and want her to know I respect her, but I would also like to have sex more often than we are. What can I do?


Sexually Frustrated

Dear Sexually Frustrated, 

Your question isn’t unique. In fact, it’s one of the most common questions I get from men in long-term relationships. So, for starters, please be reassured in knowing your scenario happens to pretty much all couples at some point in their relationship.

Okay, now I’m going to drop a truth bomb on you, which might hurt a bit.

Are you ready?

Your partner hasn’t lost her libido. She’s just lost her libido for you.

There’s a difference, and it’s important to distinguish that. While low libido can be a side effect of certain illnesses and medications, the most likely answer is that there’s nothing wrong with your significant other’s sex drive; she’s just lost her drive for you.

I say this because one of the biggest lies we tell men – and women, for that matter – is that, so long as a woman is happy in her relationship, sex will always come naturally. 

What research shows, however, is that while men can continue to have the same type of sex over and over again and still want more, women get sexually bored extremely easily. In fact, it’s fair to say women crave dramatically more sexual novelty, romantic mystery, and spontaneity than men.

One of the most common reasons women have sexual affairs isn’t because they no longer love their partners. The most commonly cited reason is, “to feel alive again”. This is because women tire very quickly of routine. 

So while this explanation might seem harsh, the reality is, while your partner has seemingly “no libido” around you, should a new, mysterious, handsome man who makes her feel excited and alive and desirable come along, she’d almost certainly have no problem whatsoever getting aroused.

Unfortunately, what we crave most in a relationship: security and comfort, is ultimately what destroys our sex life. For women to achieve arousal and desire for sex, we need mystery, surprise and novelty. 

I’m going to take a guess that, after a few years together, you and your partner have probably seen one another burp, fart, laze around in sweats and pick your toenails. All of which intensifies feelings of comfort and security, but ultimately destroy sexual desire in a woman.

So in short, if you want your partner to feel horny around you again, you need to add novelty back into the relationship. Plan a surprise for her, do an activity together that gets your adrenaline pumping, like riding a rollercoaster, visit somewhere neither one of you has ever been before, and have sex at different times and locations to your usual routine.

Stop texting her to ask her to pick up toilet paper on the way home from work, and start sending her sexy, flirty texts like you used to when you first started dating. 

Kiss again and make extended eye contact again. Most couples in long term relationships lose these things, which were so intense in the beginning. 

Remember when you could stare into each other’s eyes for hours without looking at your phones? Do that. Remember when you used to leave for work, and instead of giving her a quick peck on the cheek, you passionately embraced her and French kissed her for 20 seconds straight? Do that. (In fact, that one’s almost a guarantee to turn her on. Research shows extended tongue kissing triggers intense arousal in women.)

Because I can quite confidently say there’s almost certainly nothing wrong with your partner’s libido. And scheduling sex isn’t going to fix this imaginary problem (especially since it will only add even more predictability to your relationship). She’s just bored of your routine. So mix it up, and I guarantee you’ll have no problem getting her panties wet in future.

Nadia xx

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