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I’ve started dating this guy and things have been going great. The sex is amazing! Recently though, my new man asked me to “talk dirty” to him while we were in the middle of sex. I was a bit taken aback, so froze up and didn’t know what to say. I ended up repeating the same one or two phrases out of desperation, it felt so awkward. I want to please him, but I have no idea what to say.
Dear Shy Girl,
First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself about not knowing what to say in the moment. It’s never ideal for a partner to spring something new on you during sex. I always recommend discussing this stuff first, before you’ve even begun taking one another’s clothes off, so your new man definitely could have handled his request better.
That said, talking dirty is a great way to up the excitement during sex, and can allow you to really escape into another role, which many people find incredibly freeing and enjoyable, so your partner’s request is a reasonable one, and I think it’s great you’re willing to give it a go for him. (I also think you’ll most likely find you really enjoy talking dirty yourself, once you’ve given it a proper try.)
The best way to “talk dirty” is to find a medium that’s somewhere between being totally yourself and playing a character (such as a submissive school girl, or feisty dominatrix, depending on whether you prefer to be in control or more submissive in bed). This means employing some creative license, but not going so far as to try and become the next E.L. James.
For example, if you enjoy being more submissive in bed, you may say something like “I’ve been very bad. I think you might have to spank my bottom. Can you punish me?” This is playful and sexy, but it doesn’t go so far as to be completely over-the-top.
Dirty talk tends to become a little cringey when someone tries to be too creative, working in lots of tacky metaphors, like “I need your love wand inside me! Tear me open with your sword!”. It’s equally uncomfortable when it’s spoken in a clinical way, eg: “Your long penis needs to be inside my lubricated vagina” – this kind of language can make sex feel like a medical exam.
Definitely use some porn-ish language, but again, avoid going too hardcore to begin with. Words like “pussy” and “cock” are sexy and a little dirty, and much more enticing to hear whispered into your ear in the bedroom than “vagina” and “penis”.
Also definitely have a go at getting into character – it can really help to create a fantasy when you’re talking dirty. Do you like to be in charge in bed? Pretend you’re a headmistress and your new lover’s in big trouble for disobeying you. This will give you something to work from in terms of knowing what to say – you can use that narrative as a jumping-off point. Eg: You might tell him “Bad boys need to be taught a lesson. Get that hard cock out and prepare it for my mouth. I’m going to show it who’s boss.”
Watching porn can also help in terms of providing a little inspiration, as it often contains different fantasies, roleplay scenarios and power-play dynamics. Just ensure you start out with the softcore stuff, though. You don’t want to risk scaring your partner off by screaming out “I’m a filthy whore!” the first time you try talking dirty.
That said, dirty talk can absolutely be as filthy and hardcore as you want; it’s just best to start out slow until you are both more comfortable with it, like you would trying anything new in the bedroom.
I’d also recommend setting a new precedent with this guy you’re dating, when it comes to communicating your sexual desires. Start a conversation with him about it when you’re both relaxed, but not when you’re already having sex.
Encourage questions, clarify your boundaries – and his. It needn’t be confronting or clinical. You might want to say something sexy, like “I love it when you’re in control in bed. How would you feel about me enacting out a little naughty schoolgirl fantasy I have next time we have sex?” Then really make your boundaries and expectations crystal clear. For example, you might say, “I actually love being held down and lightly choked, but I don’t like it too hard. Would you be open to practicing your grip on me and I can let you know when it’s just right? Perhaps I can blink hard three times when it’s too tight so you know to stop?”
While it’s never completely comfortable raising these topics with a new partner, consent and boundary setting are incredibly important when exploring anything new together, and communicating prior to sex also sets you both up for having a much more satisfying experience where you’re each getting your needs met, rather than just bashfully staying quiet, hoping the other person will read your mind. (Spoiler alert: they never will.)
Make it clear to your guy that communication is a key part of a healthy sexual relationship for you. He’ll respect your honesty and forthrightness (matter of fact, he’ll most likely find it a huge turn on that you don’t shy away from sex talk), and he’s less likely to spring something like this on you in the heat of the moment again, so you have more time to prepare!
Best of luck with your dirty new adventure,
Check out Ask Nadia every Wednesday.
Nadia is a journalist, media commentator and editor with a penchant for hoarding makeup and an opinion on just about everything. Her work has been published in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, Cosmopolitan, and many more. She's a passionate advocate for destroying mental health stigma and sexually empowering women, and has absolutely no concept of TMI. Follow Nadia on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.